Browse Month by September 2016
Humours

Top Five Movie “Fan Edits” from avid-fans.com

5) Halloween 3: The Return of Laurie Strode by Captain666paulding

This attempt at one satisfying sequel to the first two Halloween films from pieces of three failed ones is certainly a mixed bag, but it represents a vast effort. Using footage from the fourth and fifth films as ad hoc flashbacks to briefly tell the story of Laurie’s daughter Jamie in place of the lackluster slasher sections of the original Halloween H20, this edit functions as both a “good parts” versions of three movies with some good ideas but a lot of filler and also a clear vision of what the films might have been with a more consistent direction and fewer issues muddying the production. Only being able to work with existing footage hampered the editor’s ability to convey some of his intent (how Michael survives his pretty drastic apparent death, inserted mostly intact from the end of the fourth film; the implication that Jamie takes up Michael’s murderous impulses, which admittedly wasn’t handled much better in the released films), but the execution of the potentially difficult concept makes this more than jut a curiosity.

4) Terminator 2: The Future is Not Set by Ralph “southcentralhyrule” Pelton

Like most of the official “alternate versions” of T2, the difference here isn’t terribly evident until the very end. Some deleted and alternate scenes have been restored, as well as the editor’s controversial choice to trim or excise some scenes of John Connor interacting with the T-800 he deemed “super cringey,” but this edit is defined by the ending he chose, or rather did not choose. The enigmatic ending shot of the highway at night is kept, but manages to be even more bleak and uncertain without the ambiguous monologue over it. The scene plays in near-silence, just a dull, quiet hum of car noise, until mere seconds before the credits begin to roll, when Vera Lynn’s “We’ll Meet Again” slowly starts to swell, either raising the pertinent question or answering it.

3) The Star Wars by Hank “Jaws2D” Velez

Originally proposed as a joke in the wake of multiple fan edits attempting to condense the better parts of the Star Wars prequels into one film, Hank Velez took up the challenge and largely succeeded. Running an impressive 2:46, the simply, definitively titled The Star Wars tells the story of all six (at the time) films in the series in one taut, lean package. As one might expect, more of the original trilogy made it into the mix (only six minutes of Attack of the Clones made the cut), but between the abridged Death Star and Hoth battles, the loss of virtually all footage of Ewoks and the skillful eighty-second montage of Luke’s training under Yoda, there was adequate space for both Anakin and Luke to have their day.

2) Pulp Fact by Prisoner8675309

With the unconventional structure of the original cut of Pulp Fiction, there was plenty of leeway to have fun with the film’s contents with regard to order. This cinematic collage is less a group of vignettes and more a storm of fragments, scenes intercut with more of an eye to theme and aesthetic than narrative. From the subtle joke of opening the film with Bruce Willis’ Butch arriving on a stolen motorcycle to take his beloved away to a new life (which less careful viewers may forget is chronologically the last scene of the story) to the painfully beautiful finale, a careful montage set to the reappropriated sounds of “Let’s Stay Together” that interweaves every onscreen death in the film followed abruptly by Mia Wallace jerking awake from her overdose before a harsh cut to the credits, watching this ballet of images, no one section longer than 112 seconds, will forever change how you see the film. May be confusing for those not acquainted with the original cut.

1) Androids Dream by Scott “RabbiBenGhazi” Walpole

There have been many attempts by fans to assemble a “definitive” cut of the landmark science fiction opus Blade Runner, but only one has entered the same conversation as the official edits. In addition to trimming certain lingering scenes for purposes of pacing and swapping a few sections of the Vangelis score for a selection of Philip Glass, Androids Dream has its cake and eats it too by excising Deckard’s controversial narration from the soundtrack proper but restoring it in a new context. Each scene proceeds as filmed, minus the voice-over, but is followed by a segment that plays that scene’s narration over a carefully curated montage of concept art for the film depicting the previous scene. Essentially, we see this world twice, once in literal form and then again from inside Deckard’s mind, each iteration disconnected from the other just enough to inform our protagonist’s perceptions in a way previously impossible.

More controversial but still meriting consideration is Harris “Capricorn9-11” Bell’s own revision, Androids Dream Electric, which removes most of the score entirely and, most notably, plays these “mental scenes” over the scenes they describe as a translucent overlay, bridged with brief flashbacks to earlier scenes in-between so that this “psychic image track” spans the entire runtime of the film until cutting out abruptly, in a brilliant flourish, when Roy Batty dies.

[image originates from this video]

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Humours

Excerpt from the Hintbook for Phantasmagoria 3: The Flensing

In 1999, long after the FMV game boom had withered and died, Sierra quietly released Phantasmagoria 3: The Flensing on a single DVD in some European and Asian markets.  Aside from a cameo by a drunk and confused Roberta Williams, no personnel from either of the first two games returned, and no notable actors were involved.  A hintbook could be bought in some European markets for 40 zlotys or 39 shmeckles, and copies of it are coveted by collectors due to their rarity.  A section from this hintbook is reproduced here for historical value.

Q: How can I get the doorman at the fleshreapers’ highrise entrance to take my fake membership card?
A: Real fleshreaper membership cards are made of reaped flesh. Your fake one is clearly construction paper. You need to resolve this.

Q: I went back to the skinlab and put the card in the fleshanizer, but it said there isn’t enough mass to properly fleshanize it. What now?
A: You don’t need to turn the construction paper into flesh, you need to print a copy of the fake card on real reaped flesh.

Q: How do I load the sheet of reaped flesh into the copy machine back at my office?
A: The sheet needs to be a little flatter to fit. Where can you find something to flatten it?

Q: I used the rolling pin from the restaurant kitchen to flatten the reaped flesh and fit it into the copy machine, but now the copy machine is out of toner. Where do I get more toner?
A: [complex multipage diagram not reproduced]

[image credit]

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Humours

Possible Episodes for the First Season of the Proposed Universal Broadcast Network’s Jaws: The Series (Part 1)

In 1981, Universal Studios entered the planning phases on what was then called the Universal Broadcast Network. Like every other attempt at a “fourth network” before FOX emerged as a serious competitor and ubiquitous cable changed television, it was a very ambitious near-miss. One of its flagship shows would have been the intense hourlong drama Jaws: The Series, based on the blockbuster film. The following were the episodes pitched to the studio for the initial season, all conceived over a lively three-day weekend by future industry giants Donald P. Bellisario and Steven E. de Souza.

“Pilot” aka “The Grapes of Wrath”

Bodies of large sea life seemingly torn apart are found off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard during an annual wine festival by the crew of a small fishing boat. Fearing a panic at an important time, the corrupt Sheriff Dallas Hawk has his deputy Lefty “silence” the fishermen…permanently. Former police chief, now private investigator Martin Brody of nearby Amity Island happens to be in town for the festival, a tradition he shared with his late wife Ellen, and catches wind of something “fishy.” Recruiting his old friend, Rich Cartwright, marine biologist and trained magician [is there a reason we’re still not using Hooper? – Steve] as well as his streetwise partner “Big” Mac Hunter, Brody follows a trail of bloody streets and dirty money all the way to Sheriff Hawk, who had the fishermen taken out to keep the public from learning that their beloved beach is being stalked by a ravenous shark. He fails to find key evidence linking Hawk to the crime definitively before it is destroyed in an amusement park fire, succeeding only in drawing the attention of the devious sheriff…and also that of alluring lifeguard Tiffany San Sebastian. Brody pledges to stay in Martha’s Vineyard until he gets to the bottom of this case, even in the face of a deadly shark…or a Hawk.

“The Wine-Dark Sea”

During a sandcastle-building contest at the wine festival, a surfboard washes ashore…with no surfer. The massive bite in the side of the board panics the crowd amid growing rumors of the shark plaguing the beach. The sinister Deputy Lefty attempts to calm the citizens, but Tiffany brashly confronts him with evidence she has seen that the threat is real, and a stampede away from the shore wreaks havoc on the pie-eating contest. Cartwright takes Brody and Mac out on his boat at night to hunt for the shark, but are waylaid by a boat piloted by Colombian cocaine smugglers. Mac attempts to bond with his estranged son.

“Blood Red”

The wine festival’s perennial hit Singles Luau is abruptly canceled without explanation. The real reason: Sheriff Hawk’s loyal goons have found the remains of the shark’s first human victim further down the beach. Beautiful but eccentric medical examiner Becky Summer is unable to identify the body despite its distinctive tattoos, which she finds suspicious even before she is pressured into not recording the incident as a shark attack. She calls on Brody to do some legwork, and he remembers having seen the victim’s tattoos on one of the Colombians. An associate of the drug runners is in custody, but is taken by FBI Special Agent Rocco Prince before Brody can talk to him. Cartwright tries to juggle a date with Dr. Summer and his budding ventriloquist career, with unexpected results.

“White Heat”

Cartwright is contacted by Agent Rocco when the captured drug dealer starts talking about a “devil shark.” Brody shares with the agent his suspicions about Sheriff Hawk, whom Rocco identifies from a photo as the Chicago gangster kingpin Ricky Delgado, long thought dead, hiding in plain sight. Unable to locate Hawk, who has been tipped off to his discovery by the eavesdropping Lefty, Rocco and Brody confront the Colombians on the sea. In a freak accident, a dozen kilos of cocaine are spilled into the water when the marauding shark nearly capsizes both boats. Driven into a bloodthirsty frenzy by enough cocaine to kill twenty humans, the shark savagely devours most of the drug dealers…but not Sheriff Hawk, who was hiding on their boat, and narrowly escapes by helicopter, swearing revenge on Brody and the others. Mac and Tiffany mentor a blind teenager who finds an astonishing talent for surfing.

[image credit]

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Humours

Kellogg Healthic Institution Course Catalog – Fall 2019 Semester

Preventive Medicine

PM1001 Introductory Survey of Preventive Medicine

Begin your intensive study of MEDICAL PRACTICE and VITAL WORKINGS with a cursory but thorough examination of all relevant areas of study, plus a solid grounding in the basics. Three-hour once-weekly sessions available, extended slightly for a convenience break halfway through during which students may enjoy their scheduled tobacco infusion and digestive discs.

PM1002 Compleat History of Healthic Medicine

The second, more specialized part of your introduction to the field covers the gradual evolution of our modern methods, from the dark days of abject quackery right up to contemporary advances in humourism and aura management.

PM 1010 Preventive Medicine for Non-Majors

It is useful, we at KHI believe, for even the most common layman to have a solid groundings in the processes and delicate mysteries of his own mind, bowels and tempers. This class provides fundamental instructings in medicinal care of the corpus homo for those people among us who have decided, for whichever reason, that our arts or theatre programmes are a better use of their precious time.

PM 1020 Tonics and Elixirs, and their Proper Administrations

Vital oils, tinctures and physio-potables have come a long way since the days of medicinal bread molds and extracting medicine from cow sores. Learn the latest techniques in healthful compoundings, humour-balancing potions and homeopathic solutions. Requires PM 1001, PM 1002

PM 1021 Advanced Tonicism

A more comprehensive survey of tonical and elictive therapies, with focus on enema-based applications and stimulated bathing. Requires PM 1020, $4 materials fee

PM 1030 Orgones and Vital Magnetism (TM)

Students will learn essential guidelines for instructing their future patients in the prosperous balancing of their orgones through erotic hygiene, purity of diet and auto-flagellistic therapy. Requires PM 1001, PM 1002

PM 1101 Research Methods

Offered only in Spring

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Humours

Missed Connections, City of Dis Metropolitan Area

  • m4w: a large piece of my torso with head attached floated by you down the river of blood while you were forced to mercy kill a wounded bird with a rock when you were 14 again and again for eternity;  our eyes met for a moment and it seemed like we both felt a reprieve from our torment, if only for a second.
  • w4w: your disembodied leg is one of many in a wall of such that kicks at me as I pass every morning on the way to work;  you have lovely taste in hosiery and I’d like to meet the rest of you.
  • w4w: entered your window intending to seduce you into a tryst during which i would eat your life force, as is my wont, but you were crying and eating ice cream so I ended up talking you through your recent breakup, then fleeing into the night as you drifted off to sleep;  wanted to check up on how you were doing but there’s renovation scaffolding blocking your window and I can’t figure out where the ground entrance to your building is.
  • m4m: you are across from me in the physician’s office waiting room we and a few other lost souls have been patiently waiting in for the last eighteen months and change, and I don’t have the courage to strike up a conversation; hoping you read this on that tablet you keep checking.
  • w4m: you’re a few cells down in this oubliette and we’ve been exchanging passed notes, but I’ve run out of toilet parchment on which to write responses and my neighbors on both sides are not being forthcoming. hoping this message finds its way to you somehow; i still like you. :)

[image credit]

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