Browse Month by October 2016
Humours

New Uploads for October @ AncientGamez.ru

What is up my dudes!  Cobrastyle69 here with some spooktacular new abandonware uploads to celebrate the eve of all hallows!  Whether you’re emulating in DOSBox or gassing up your vintage Russian retro gaming rig with industrial-grade diesel, these are sure to be a treat.  Shout-outs and greetz to my forum moderator H0t C@rl and the inimitable crack release group Team Fucksuck.  Y’all are the real heroes.  Anyway, let’s get to it!

セックス血液:スチールペニスの庭 / Phantasmagoria Gaiden: In the Garden of Midnight
FM Towns/PC-98 Hybrid CD-ROM
Fans of the Phantasmagoria franchise of FMV adventure games should be SUPER STOKED to finally play the Japan-only interquel that links the original game and A Puzzle Of Flesh and adds new narrative depth to both.  Originally planned as a bonus feature for the Sega Saturn port of Phantasmagoria 1, this title had a miniscule budget and is told in a series of still images with occasional junction points for player choice.  The narration and junction text is unfortunately only in Japanese, but the voice acting is in English, so you can get a pretty good idea of what’s going on.  (A translation patch is being worked on on the forums as we speak.) My playthrough ended with Lucy (the protagonist) getting happily married to a big blue demon with a huge cock, so I’m gonna call that a win.

Toonpals: Bubba Busts Out!
Windows 95 CD-ROM
My broheims from Oceania will obviously remember the classic Saturday morning cartoon Toonpals, which followed the wacky (and often poignant!) adventures of a quintet of adorable heroin-addicted anthropomorphic animals in the big city, and if they were lucky, they might have had this licensed platformer based on it when they were kids.  Now once again you can take on the role of Bubba as he goes all over the world in a withdrawal-crazed rampage, spouting crystal-clear digitized voice samples of real one-liners from the show!  The first time you hear that cute lil rabbit shriek “MY SKIN IS ON FIRE!” when you take one heart of damage, it’ll be as if you’re a kid again.

Splatterhouse VI: The Quickening
Acorn Archimedes Diskette
Arguably the finest of the four Archimedes-exclusive sequels to the arcade classic Splatterhouse, The Quickening finds magic-hockey-mask-wearing antihero Rick Taylor hiding from the authorities in an abandoned Michigan gas station, and alternates stealth-based daytime levels with surreal dreamscape night levels.  Though The Quickening basically treads water between V and VII in terms of the series metaplot, the dreamscape levels are some of the most creative and disturbing in the series, and the new HYPERCHOP!! finishing move system adds a level of finesse to going for high scores and delivers some of the most gruesome gore effects ever to grace the screen of an Acorn Archimedes.  Not to be missed!

Buzz Aldrin Presents Event Horizon
Windows 95 CD-ROM
Inspired by the 1997 film of the same name, this detailed simulation follows the scientific development of the titular vessel in its first phase, then in its second tasks you with managing a dwindling crew that is quickly going insane after the ship warped into a hell dimension.  As the movie depicts, there were no survivors in the end, but it ends up being kinda fun to see when and how your journey ends.  I keep finding new shit every time I play!  In my first playthrough the last two survivors became paranoid after a failed excursion outside for food and strangled each other, and in my latest playthrough it appeared my final survivor had successfully warped back to earth and gone home, only for his wife to reach down his throat and pull out his heart when he went in for a kiss, revealing that it was all a trick of the hell dimension and he never escaped at all!  Great stuff.

[image credit]

Share
Humours

Halloween Old Stock Sale @ Hirsute Halfling Anime & Games

Betrayal at Melrose Place
Avalon Hill, 1997
Construct a dynamic luxury apartment complex as you play, then engage in rich soapy drama in this licensed gem based on the TV classic.  Contains 41 luxury room cards, six character tokens, and two “sensuousness decks.” 40% off!

Star Wars: The Courtship of Princess Leia Cooperative Card Game
Parker Brothers Select, 1996
In this asymmetrical two-player experience based on the classic expanded universe novel by Dave Wolverton, you and a loved one will take on the roles of Han Solo and Leia Organa, trading quips, double entendres, and romance dice in a three-phase structure reflecting the plot progression of the novel.  Contains 45 Han cards, 45 Leia cards, and eight 12-sided “romance dice.”  60% off or best offer!

Hellghost UltraMAX: Gaiden: Do You Remember Love?
ADV Films, 2004
To date the only stateside post-VHS release of this groundbreaking OVA series, this 3-disc DVD set is essential to making sense of the enigmatic final season of Hellghost UltraMAX.  Currently out of print and highly sought-after by fans of the Hellghost sagaverse.  30% off!

Sailor Moon S: The Roleplaying Game
Entenmann Press, 1998
This GMless marvel puts you in the role of an intrepid Sailor Soldier, tasked with protecting the world from the forces of darkness and looking real fuckin’ kawaii while you do it.  The rules were groundbreaking at the time and its influence is clearly felt in other GMless systems such as Fiasco and Cum Patrol.  Full-color hardback, 185 pages.   25% off!

[image credit]

Share
Humours

Popped Out Magazine’s Emerging Music Genre Primer for 2019

  • Absent slip metal
  • Spainbeat
  • Shit loop
  • Protohealth
  • Liquid lipwave
  • Shine punk
  • House grind
  • Nextcore
  • Artificial grip state
  • Tooth
  • Power jazz
  • Anthemic loosetrack
  • Unified stack
  • Match
  • Grave pain drone
  • Fried blues
  • Distorted tip
  • Wild crest metal
  • Cadaver trace
  • Nothing
  • Flail dub
  • Ordinal stopcore deathblack
  • Loose wave
  • New progression
  • Heart attack gospel
  • Cosine step
  • Triple post-funk
  • Absolute clip sludge
  • Eternal stargaze
  • Half-infinite tripgrime
  • Gold drum
  • Cleveland
  • Deconstructed protopop
  • Knifecore
  • Psychedelic ghostwave
  • Blues inversion
  • Finnish operatic modified silent thrash
  • Threaded stack
  • Brass-pedal outlaw ska
  • Numbo
  • Drum and brain
  • Preclassical pure evil
  • Single-action western
  • Chechen cassette groove

[image credit]

Share
Humours

We Are Bringing This To You Live

As you may be aware, there is presently a category 4 hurricane hammering the bejeezus out of the Florida coast.  Self-Loathing Nerds’ hurricane correspondent Jax Hamleg is on location.

Thanks, Paul.*  I am standing here outside the locked doors of a shelter that I was pleaded with not to leave, and the situation is grim.  I am having to hold my own camera in one hand because my cameraman Paul “Knobsteak” Flaxman was impaled by a hurtling uprooted palm tree immediately upon following me outside.  I am losing my one-handed grip on the parking meter that is my only anchor to the ground in these incredibly forceful winds.  A Vespa scooter just flew by me.  I have lost my grip.

Right now I am being swept through the air, narrowly missing buildings, parked cars, and trees.  It’s looking real bad out here, Paul.  I just passed a CostCo and grazed my elbow on a lamp post.  This really is powerful wind.  It is raining, too, I’m not sure if I mentioned that?  I mean you’d assume it was, since that’s generally how hurricanes go.  I’m rambling.

Paul, I’ve just crashed through the boarded up window of a house, where it so happens a family of four who refused to evacuate is shrieking and wailing.  Let’s see what they have to say.

“Oh my god, are you hurt?  Jesus Christ it’s a miracle you’re alive.  Dan, try to cover the window back up.  Kids, get back.  It’s going to be alright.”  —Rashida, 47

Powerful words, Paul.  This family, like many others in the area, decided to try to weather the storm in their own homes, because they enjoy gambling with life.  Splinters the size of chopsticks have penetrated deep into my flesh.  The call for evacuation came many hours ago, and instead of huddling in mortal fear they could merely be experiencing severe anxiety for the state of their home and belongings.  Truly a terrible choice to be forced to make.

I am being yelled at by Daniel, 41, who did not appreciate my characterization of his and his wife’s judgment, nor my continual monologuing into this microphone and camera as if they are not here.  He has grabbed my collar and is shaking me violently.  Each jolt from his hairy, veiny mitts jostles the pieces of jagged wood inside me.  He will pry this camera from my cold dead hands.

Paul, the family and I have now moved to the cellar, where they really should have been before.  The howling wind is loud and worrisome.  There is enough canned food and bottled water here to last the family a week or two.  That is an unexpected level of foresight, to be perfectly honest with you.

My skin is becoming pale and clammy and I have lost a large amount of blood.  I am ascending the stairs and going outside.  I will not die cowering underground.  I will face the storm head-on, in defiance of God and man, and I will see you in hell.  Back to you, Paul.

Thanks, Jax.  Coming up next: These fun Fall crafts will make you forget the crushing weight of despair for a few brief, fleeting moments, and can be made with items you already have lying around the house!

*I have asked Jax to refer to me as “Paul” rather than Blorg or my real name because I am his boss and he, like my other minions, is subject to my whims, and right now I’m really feeling that name.  “Paul.”  It’s a nice name.

Also Paul Rudd is very attractive.

Share