Chic Grey Orb
Sharper Image, $599
Hovers steady and unmoving four feet above the floor, making a quiet but constant humming noise. Wifi and Bluetooth enabled.
Antique Brass Piss Jug
Crate & Barrel, $49
Stores urine excreted by you or a loved one for longer than is socially acceptable. Can be placed under the bed, out of sight, as if that makes it not weird. Buy 5 or more for a discount.
Mirror of Gl’dahn
Tower of Althras, 300 gold pieces
Displays things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass. Wifi and Bluetooth enabled.
– 23 and a third shallots, chopped coarsely into rectangular prisms (NOT CUBES)
– one 13-18lb shaved, kneaded, and descaled ecthelion, not frozen or brined
– one 2-liter bottle of diet pepsi OR pepsi max
– one 14oz jar of cucumber regrette, of Bob & George’s brand or similar quality
– one 3oz vial of undiluted prime essence
– a well-stocked spice rack
Since my coming-of-age travels in the far east, I have experienced a great many pleasures. None can compare, however, to the feast of roast ecthelion I partook in one fateful evening in Jakarta, during a gala hosted by a local crime lord who was very pleased with my father for reasons neither will discuss with me to this day.
Please check all that apply.
- Sobbing hysterically
- Clutching loved ones/pets for comfort
- Re-evaluating spiritual or religious beliefs due to implicit nature of a god who would let this happen
- Searching for meaning in a desolate, cold, uncaring universe
- Binge-eating high-calorie foods
- Binge-eating low-calorie foods because even at a time like this it would be unacceptable for your body not to fit society’s rigid standards for attractiveness
- Drinking alcoholic beverages because dulled senses will make you slightly less aware of the encroaching horror all around you
- Talking to your therapist
- Talking to your friend who, frankly, deserves a therapist’s salary at this point
- Talking to a stranger on the internet who is as profoundly terrified as you are
- Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in Europe and is alternately fascinated and disturbed at the grotesque barbarism your country displays on a regular basis
- Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in a politically unstable war-torn hellhole and thinks maybe you should settle the fuck down and count your blessings, because buddy those drones aren’t gonna be bombing you indiscriminately
- Obsessively checking Facebook
- Obsessively sharing alarmist thinkpieces on Facebook
- Obsessively fact-checking your social circle’s political posts as if any good could ever come from the resulting arguments
- Writing list-format articles on your stupid fucking blog in an attempt to channel your own anxiety into maybe a laugh or two from a friend or relative
What is up my dudes! Cobrastyle69 here with some spooktacular new abandonware uploads to celebrate the eve of all hallows! Whether you’re emulating in DOSBox or gassing up your vintage Russian retro gaming rig with industrial-grade diesel, these are sure to be a treat. Shout-outs and greetz to my forum moderator H0t C@rl and the inimitable crack release group Team Fucksuck. Y’all are the real heroes. Anyway, let’s get to it!
セックス血液：スチールペニスの庭 / Phantasmagoria Gaiden: In the Garden of Midnight
FM Towns/PC-98 Hybrid CD-ROM
Fans of the Phantasmagoria franchise of FMV adventure games should be SUPER STOKED to finally play the Japan-only interquel that links the original game and A Puzzle Of Flesh and adds new narrative depth to both. Originally planned as a bonus feature for the Sega Saturn port of Phantasmagoria 1, this title had a miniscule budget and is told in a series of still images with occasional junction points for player choice. The narration and junction text is unfortunately only in Japanese, but the voice acting is in English, so you can get a pretty good idea of what’s going on. (A translation patch is being worked on on the forums as we speak.) My playthrough ended with Lucy (the protagonist) getting happily married to a big blue demon with a huge cock, so I’m gonna call that a win.
Toonpals: Bubba Busts Out!
Windows 95 CD-ROM
My broheims from Oceania will obviously remember the classic Saturday morning cartoon Toonpals, which followed the wacky (and often poignant!) adventures of a quintet of adorable heroin-addicted anthropomorphic animals in the big city, and if they were lucky, they might have had this licensed platformer based on it when they were kids. Now once again you can take on the role of Bubba as he goes all over the world in a withdrawal-crazed rampage, spouting crystal-clear digitized voice samples of real one-liners from the show! The first time you hear that cute lil rabbit shriek “MY SKIN IS ON FIRE!” when you take one heart of damage, it’ll be as if you’re a kid again.
Splatterhouse VI: The Quickening
Acorn Archimedes Diskette
Arguably the finest of the four Archimedes-exclusive sequels to the arcade classic Splatterhouse, The Quickening finds magic-hockey-mask-wearing antihero Rick Taylor hiding from the authorities in an abandoned Michigan gas station, and alternates stealth-based daytime levels with surreal dreamscape night levels. Though The Quickening basically treads water between V and VII in terms of the series metaplot, the dreamscape levels are some of the most creative and disturbing in the series, and the new HYPERCHOP!! finishing move system adds a level of finesse to going for high scores and delivers some of the most gruesome gore effects ever to grace the screen of an Acorn Archimedes. Not to be missed!
Buzz Aldrin Presents Event Horizon
Windows 95 CD-ROM
Inspired by the 1997 film of the same name, this detailed simulation follows the scientific development of the titular vessel in its first phase, then in its second tasks you with managing a dwindling crew that is quickly going insane after the ship warped into a hell dimension. As the movie depicts, there were no survivors in the end, but it ends up being kinda fun to see when and how your journey ends. I keep finding new shit every time I play! In my first playthrough the last two survivors became paranoid after a failed excursion outside for food and strangled each other, and in my latest playthrough it appeared my final survivor had successfully warped back to earth and gone home, only for his wife to reach down his throat and pull out his heart when he went in for a kiss, revealing that it was all a trick of the hell dimension and he never escaped at all! Great stuff.
Betrayal at Melrose Place
Avalon Hill, 1997
Construct a dynamic luxury apartment complex as you play, then engage in rich soapy drama in this licensed gem based on the TV classic. Contains 41 luxury room cards, six character tokens, and two “sensuousness decks.” 40% off!
Star Wars: The Courtship of Princess Leia Cooperative Card Game
Parker Brothers Select, 1996
In this asymmetrical two-player experience based on the classic expanded universe novel by Dave Wolverton, you and a loved one will take on the roles of Han Solo and Leia Organa, trading quips, double entendres, and romance dice in a three-phase structure reflecting the plot progression of the novel. Contains 45 Han cards, 45 Leia cards, and eight 12-sided “romance dice.” 60% off or best offer!
Hellghost UltraMAX: Gaiden: Do You Remember Love?
ADV Films, 2004
To date the only stateside post-VHS release of this groundbreaking OVA series, this 3-disc DVD set is essential to making sense of the enigmatic final season of Hellghost UltraMAX. Currently out of print and highly sought-after by fans of the Hellghost sagaverse. 30% off!
Sailor Moon S: The Roleplaying Game
Entenmann Press, 1998
This GMless marvel puts you in the role of an intrepid Sailor Soldier, tasked with protecting the world from the forces of darkness and looking real fuckin’ kawaii while you do it. The rules were groundbreaking at the time and its influence is clearly felt in other GMless systems such as Fiasco and Cum Patrol. Full-color hardback, 185 pages. 25% off!