Browse Author by Tobias Lukefisher
hi
Uncategorized

SLN Mailbag 5/14/2017

You stare into the blackness.  The only sound is the howling of a wind whose origins you dare not contemplate.  This wind slowly changes its direction and the howling its tune, and letters handwritten on crumpled, soft paper swirl up from somewhere below.  One by one they blow into your trembling hands, presenting themselves for reading.

Dear Void,

Ever since my sister returned from college, we haven’t been as close as we were before.  Up through high school we were only a year apart and were practically inseparable, and for her first semester in college we tried to keep in touch via instant messaging but that sort of petered out as she got busier and built a new group of friends.  Now that she’s living at home again for a while I hoped we would pick up where we left off, but she keeps locking herself alone in her room for long periods and when she comes out to eat or whatever she barely speaks, answering questions with single words or not at all.  I’m worried about her.

Yours forever,
Distant in Des Moines

You look to the void for answers.  The shrieks of a thousand damned swell briefly before fading into nothingness; silence so pure your ears ring. Continue Reading

Share
Humours

2017 Spring Movie Preview

March
Jennifer Lawrence brings her quirky and irreverent charms to the Armenian genocide in Lars Von Trier’s The Girl Who Was Death, Part 1 of 3.  James McAvoy and Charlie Day are exterminators who fall in love with the same unhygienic heiress in the hilarity-packed Roach Maiden.  Terry Crews and Lance Reddick are profoundly uncomfortable as The Only Nonwhite People Who Were Invited To This Party.

April
Saoirse Ronan, who is 22, plays the love interest who revitalizes a gross middle-aged writer in The Awakening of My Wrinkled Loins.  Cameron Diaz and Jessica Alba take a european hiking trip together to get over their awful exes and find out more about themselves and each other than they bargained for in Lurid Latina Lesbians in Latvia.  Charlie Hunnam and Rinko Kikuchi join a knitting group and gossip with old ladies in the wholly violence-free Pacific Rim Gaiden: A Scarf For Mako.

May
Ioan Gruffudd and George Clooney are gay accountants in The Love Ledger.  Riz Ahmed and Aziz Ansari are the only ones who can stop a daring bitcoin heist in near-future Bangkok in the cyberpunk thriller Blockchain.  Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey reteam in the screwball comedy The Drag Queen In Yellow: A Sexy Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge.

[image credit]

Share
Humours

SLN Holiday Gift Guide 2016 Part 2

Kompjuter! Magazine, July 1995
Yahoo! Auctions, starting bid $0.35
This back issue of the seminal Maltese computer gaming mag is in near-mint condition with light shelf wear and includes the original cover disc.  Inside is the infamously controversial top 25 list that nearly led to a military confrontation between Malta and Italy, four screenshots of a Doom clone that was never released, and an interview with the civil servant whose job it was at the time to censor exposed knees and elbows on game box art with stickers.  The cover disc contains eighteen demos and shareware releases, among them a Latvian turn-based strategy game with battles resolved by a minigame heavily resembling “Go Fish,” a Wolfenstein 3-D clone set during the Spanish civil war, and an executable that seems to just print “SEX” and “DEATH” over and over to the DOS prompt.

A half-dozen porcelain cats in various poses
Etsy, $299
They’re adorable, hand-painted, and can also be found on AliExpress for 30 bucks or so.  The seller’s entire shop inventory can in fact be found on AliExpress for under 50 dollars apiece, and everything is tagged “steampunk” regardless of relevance.

Burt the Bear Teaches Programming
Barnes & Noble, $11.99
Let your kids learn to program in Python with this helpful cartoon guide narrated by TV’s Burt the Bear.  Included tutorial projects begin with a simple “hello world” and then branch out in many different directions, from a tax calculator to a program that just prints “SEX” and “DEATH” over and over to the command prompt.

[image credit]

Share
Humours

Minipost: SLN Holiday Gift Guide 2016 Part 1

Chic Grey Orb
Sharper Image, $599
Hovers steady and unmoving four feet above the floor, making a quiet but constant humming noise. Wifi and Bluetooth enabled.

Antique Brass Piss Jug
Crate & Barrel, $49
Stores urine excreted by you or a loved one for longer than is socially acceptable.  Can be placed under the bed, out of sight, as if that makes it not weird.  Buy 5 or more for a discount.

Mirror of Gl’dahn
Tower of Althras, 300 gold pieces
Displays things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass.  Wifi and Bluetooth enabled.

[image credit]

Share
Humours

Pre-Election Anxiety Questionnaire

Please check all that apply.

  • Sobbing hysterically
  • Clutching loved ones/pets for comfort
  • Re-evaluating spiritual or religious beliefs due to implicit nature of a god who would let this happen
  • Searching for meaning in a desolate, cold, uncaring universe
  • Binge-eating high-calorie foods
  • Binge-eating low-calorie foods because even at a time like this it would be unacceptable for your body not to fit society’s rigid standards for attractiveness
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages because dulled senses will make you slightly less aware of the encroaching horror all around you
  • Talking to your therapist
  • Talking to your friend who, frankly, deserves a therapist’s salary at this point
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who is as profoundly terrified as you are
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in Europe and is alternately fascinated and disturbed at the grotesque barbarism your country displays on a regular basis
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in a politically unstable war-torn hellhole and thinks maybe you should settle the fuck down and count your blessings, because buddy those drones aren’t gonna be bombing you indiscriminately
  • Obsessively checking Facebook
  • Obsessively sharing alarmist thinkpieces on Facebook
  • Obsessively fact-checking your social circle’s political posts as if any good could ever come from the resulting arguments
  • Writing list-format articles on your stupid fucking blog in an attempt to channel your own anxiety into maybe a laugh or two from a friend or relative

[image credit]

Share