Humours

Pre-Election Anxiety Questionnaire

Please check all that apply.

  • Sobbing hysterically
  • Clutching loved ones/pets for comfort
  • Re-evaluating spiritual or religious beliefs due to implicit nature of a god who would let this happen
  • Searching for meaning in a desolate, cold, uncaring universe
  • Binge-eating high-calorie foods
  • Binge-eating low-calorie foods because even at a time like this it would be unacceptable for your body not to fit society’s rigid standards for attractiveness
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages because dulled senses will make you slightly less aware of the encroaching horror all around you
  • Talking to your therapist
  • Talking to your friend who, frankly, deserves a therapist’s salary at this point
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who is as profoundly terrified as you are
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in Europe and is alternately fascinated and disturbed at the grotesque barbarism your country displays on a regular basis
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in a politically unstable war-torn hellhole and thinks maybe you should settle the fuck down and count your blessings, because buddy those drones aren’t gonna be bombing you indiscriminately
  • Obsessively checking Facebook
  • Obsessively sharing alarmist thinkpieces on Facebook
  • Obsessively fact-checking your social circle’s political posts as if any good could ever come from the resulting arguments
  • Writing list-format articles on your stupid fucking blog in an attempt to channel your own anxiety into maybe a laugh or two from a friend or relative

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