Browse Tag by blorg
Humours

The Boxer

We here at the SLN Videogame Depot welcome back correspondent Jax Hamleg, who has returned from extended medical leave as a broken yet very opinionated man. Take it away, Jax.

Look me in the eye and tell me something, motherfucker. How many loot boxes have you purchased? With real money. Real dollars that could’ve put food on your family’s fucking table. You make me fucking sick.

Ironically, it was in being sick that my spiral into gaming and despair began. Sick with a case of legs torn off by hurricane force winds and a penchant for buckling my belt four or five notches tighter than was necessary. Sick with a case of hubris. Without my legs or my work but with a steady paycheck and benefits package, I wasted away into a horrid little gremlin, spending hours playing terrible videogames on my overpriced Razer laptop (replete with rainbow light-up keys) and my durable but off-brand android smartphone.

I have seen things that would make a normal person laugh awkwardly and find an excuse to leave. Things that would send a chill down your spine if I also explained the very esoteric and technical context surrounding them. I will never again be able to look in the mirror and see a man. I only see something so disgusting it shakes my belief in a loving God. I see a gamer.

Before my Kafka-esque transformation I used to travel to interesting places with a talented and brave cameraman, and I too was brave, because I delivered the news live, as it happened. What do I deliver now? Advice. Advice that comes from a place of deep suffering, in the hope that I can save you from the hell I have made for myself. Advice on which videogame loot boxes offer the best value.

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Humours

Spring Cleaning: 5 Notable Projects Being Pruned From Github.net.au For Inactivity

OpenCluck
A GPL-licensed clone of the ClustrFuCK development framework and its accompanying compiler, API, IDE, and STD.
Last Commit: Fixed buffer overflow when converting an imported FurthestCK database containing malformed emojis. (Nov 14, 2014)
Cause of Death: One of the two lead developers had his brain removed and frozen by a transhumanist tech startup, and the other had his brain removed and frozen by an escaped convict during a terrifying 18-day killing spree and FBI manhunt.

LibrePiss
A free and open source software suite for both GNU/Linux and regular Linux that assists the user in tracking the frequency, amount, consistency, color, scent, velocity, and “urethrafeel” of their urination.
Last Commit: Added additional shades of chartreuse to the color library based on recent unusual samples. (Jan 4, 2016)
Cause of Death (not literally this time): Lead developer disillusioned with the internet piss community after involvement in the PissCoin cryptocurrency scam.

YouFuCK ER
The “expanded release” fork of ClustrFuCK-based multiprotocol messaging client YouFuCK, YouFuCK ER aims to provide a robust alternative to messaging giants like Pidgin, Slack, AIM, MSN, IRC, XMPP, YMCA, DMCA, and dreaded closed-source wickedness locus Trillian.
Last Commit: Fixed memory leak when sending entire PS2 game ISOs to your shitty script kiddie friends via AIM file transfers, KEVIN. (May 8, 2015)
Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends did a denial of service attack on the lead developer’s anime fanshrine site, causing him to break down and leave the internet forever.

OpenNanny
Hey, remember Net Nanny, that thing that parents would install to block naughty websites? Well, they open-sourced it!
Last Commit: Added a previously innocuous fanshrine to Jan Killblood from the anime Hellghost UltraMAX to the naughty list, since now it just displays the text “KEVIN RULZ” with the letters made out of penises. (May 10, 2015)
Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends got into the lead developer’s email with a brute force password attack and hijacked all of his accounts, including his account on Github.net.au.

EmuMaster Perfect Collection: Do You Remember Love?
The ultimate NES emulator is here, combining the best parts of all the various forks over the years of Japanese PC-98-based NES emulator EmuMaster into a single perfect hybrid that runs on Windows, Mac, GNU/Linux, and regular Linux.
Last Commit: Added additional checks to prevent crashing when trying to launch malformed ROMs. (July 19, 2016)
Cause of Death: Lead developer’s brain removed and frozen by Kevin and his script kiddie friends, who are escalating their acts of violence and must be stopped.

[image credit]

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Humours

From the SLN Kitchen: Prime-Roasted Ecthelion with Soda-Braised Ribcage and Regretful Shallots

Ingredients:
– 23 and a third shallots, chopped coarsely into rectangular prisms (NOT CUBES)
– one 13-18lb shaved, kneaded, and descaled ecthelion, not frozen or brined
– one 2-liter bottle of diet pepsi OR pepsi max
– one 14oz jar of cucumber regrette, of Bob & George’s brand or similar quality
– one 3oz vial of undiluted prime essence
– a well-stocked spice rack

 

Since my coming-of-age travels in the far east, I have experienced a great many pleasures.  None can compare, however, to the feast of roast ecthelion I partook in one fateful evening in Jakarta, during a gala hosted by a local crime lord who was very pleased with my father for reasons neither will discuss with me to this day.

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Humours

Selected Drug Trip Reports from the Dark Web

SLN readers are a pretty savvy bunch, so I’m sure all of you are veritable dark web experts at this point.  Well, recently I’ve been digging real deep into the archives of the pre-Bitcoin version of infamous drug clearinghouse Silk Road, before it got all commercialized and popular.  It used to be a really thoughtful place where people wouldn’t just sell drugs, they’d discuss and catalog their experiences with them.  The trip report archive was wiped long before the rest of it when they rebranded and focused on Bitcoin transactions, sadly, but I was able to snag a couple of incomplete mirrors by trading some giraffe vore .mkvs to my resourceful Russian friend Sergei.  Presented here are three choice finds from my trawling.

Username: }666-=[aynrandwasavampire]=-666{
Drug & Dosage: “Goblin mints,” four tablets

Okay, so let me preface this with, I am normally a pretty vanilla dude.  Some weed, some coke on fridays with the boys at the office, a couple of wine coolers and some heroin with sunday brunch, you know, pretty standard stuff, right?  I am not adventurous, is what I am saying.  I like to keep things routine and moderate.  So, believe me when I say that I was a little apprehensive at first, getting handed a Tic-Tac container full of weird forest green pills at a house party.  This guy says, “you’ve gotta try this, bro, it’s the latest thing!”  I mean, if it’s the latest thing, why not, right?  So I’m like okay I’ll give these a shot.  BIG MISTAKE.  Blacked out fuckin immediately, and I swear to god I came to literally a fuckin’ month later.  A MONTH.  And this was apparently a really productive month for me, because I am not in my apartment, or even my home fucking city.  I am on a yacht off the coast of Spain with a woman our (consensual, he said) sex slave tells me is my wife.  He speaks fluent English, but she…. does not.  Nothin’ but Castilian Spanish, and she’s acting surprised that I can’t understand her!   I guess I must’ve learned to speak it during that blacked-out month, because I still find myself dropping into vulgar Castilian Spanish whenever a soccer game doesn’t go my way.  Can’t for the life of me speak it at any other time, though.

Username: WelcomeToNeuYawk
Drug & Dosage: A variety of unidentified “research chemicals” from university science lab, between 30 and 50 mL each

Listen.  My first year of grad school was rough.  My mother had just died thousands of miles away, my girlfriend decided that she was, in fact, not bisexual after all and ran off to marry her high school sweetheart back in Tennessee, and my cat never really forgave me for stepping on his tail the preceding winter.  I’m not making excuses, here, really, I’m just trying to provide some perspective.  Some context for why I started grabbing expired shit from the 1970s with faded labels off the shelves in the old science building and just fuckin injecting them into my eyeballs like I didn’t care if I lived or died.  Because I didn’t.  My cat sure as shit didn’t, and once you’ve lost that you’ve REALLY lost everything.

Anyway.  So some of this shit was sort of equivalent to getting drunk, some of it was a little more interesting, some of it was responsible for eighteen paintings in one night that are currently fetching exorbitant prices at a gallery in Brooklyn.  It was wild and wacky stuff.  Grad school means teaching, and teaching means long nights grading papers, and that gets really boring if you aren’t squirting research chemicals into your tear ducts.  My student evaluations came back mediocre and unremarkable, so who gives a fuck, in the end?  NOT I.  And not my fucking goddamn ungrateful piece of shit cat either.  I still have him, for some reason, by the way.  He’s healthy as a horse, turns 17 this year, and still hasn’t forgiven me for that time I stepped on his tail.

Username: AtreidesNuts
Drug & Dosage: Oregano/allspice mixture with “secret ingredient,” used as dry rub on a half-pound of grilled flatiron steak

[The text is a piece of ASCII art that forms the sentence “THERE WILL BE NO REGRETS WHEN THE WORMS COME” in unnecessarily large letters.]

[image credit]

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Humours

Sponsored Post: Value Comics presents The Hitler Ultimatum, Uncut & Uncensored and in TPB for the first time!

Guten tag, nerd nation! Rejoice, because Value Comics’ controversial crossover event The Hitler Ultimatum is finally coming out in trades!  We here at the SLN Comics Silo have the exclusive skinny on the new uncensored and expanded releases of the event that The Mary Sue refused to cover, and Diamond continues to refuse to solicit! Let’s take a look at what’s in each volume…

March to The Hitler Ultimatum
Gathering together the exciting leadup to the event, Volume 0 opens with Wonder Warriors Confidential #45-49, in which the golden age Old Glory deals with the isolation and mounting guilt of having 1940s-era racial sensibilities in today’s America after the CyberCataclysm merged the Classic universe, the recently restored New World universe, and the mainstream VCU, creating the ungodly tide of continuity problems we’ve been sorting with the past few years but ultimately making things way simpler.  Rejected by his former teammates in favor of the younger, hipper Faded Glory, the New World version of Sgt. Sam Johnson, he simmers with resentment and begins an unfortunately web-based hunt for the American Dream that leads him to some of the larger white nationalist forums.

This leads into Wonder Warriors seXtreme GunForce Annual #19, in which Young Lust and Gunbattler are separated from their teammates Bloodnado and Assaultforce and stranded in the Wonder Warriors’ War Marina by the rising floodwaters from Hurricane Katrina II. They initially write off Old Glory as a twisted old bigot, but his cutting “alternative” analysis of The Force Awakens and other “politically correct” cinema opens their eyes to a new world of insidious fascism. Finally, in Glory #99, Old Glory brutally murders Glory, his popular, normal, not-a-fascist modern equivalent in a series of brutally gritty, unflinchingly visceral two-page spreads, a sequence that famously took up nearly two thirds of the original issue’s page count before some of the images were removed by editorial and replaced with ads for Paxil.  In the trade-exclusive expanded version, the full set of thirty-seven gory two-page spreads has room to breathe, something that beloved comic book hero Glory no longer does, because he has been murdered by a fascist.

Special Features: Cover gallery, design sketches, the full text of the unhinged forum rant visible on Old Glory’s computer screen in Wonder Warriors seXtreme GunForce Annual #19. Continue Reading

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