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Humours

Possible Episodes for the First Season of the Proposed Universal Broadcast Network’s Jaws: The Series (Part 1)

In 1981, Universal Studios entered the planning phases on what was then called the Universal Broadcast Network. Like every other attempt at a “fourth network” before FOX emerged as a serious competitor and ubiquitous cable changed television, it was a very ambitious near-miss. One of its flagship shows would have been the intense hourlong drama Jaws: The Series, based on the blockbuster film. The following were the episodes pitched to the studio for the initial season, all conceived over a lively three-day weekend by future industry giants Donald P. Bellisario and Steven E. de Souza.

“Pilot” aka “The Grapes of Wrath”

Bodies of large sea life seemingly torn apart are found off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard during an annual wine festival by the crew of a small fishing boat. Fearing a panic at an important time, the corrupt Sheriff Dallas Hawk has his deputy Lefty “silence” the fishermen…permanently. Former police chief, now private investigator Martin Brody of nearby Amity Island happens to be in town for the festival, a tradition he shared with his late wife Ellen, and catches wind of something “fishy.” Recruiting his old friend, Rich Cartwright, marine biologist and trained magician [is there a reason we’re still not using Hooper? – Steve] as well as his streetwise partner “Big” Mac Hunter, Brody follows a trail of bloody streets and dirty money all the way to Sheriff Hawk, who had the fishermen taken out to keep the public from learning that their beloved beach is being stalked by a ravenous shark. He fails to find key evidence linking Hawk to the crime definitively before it is destroyed in an amusement park fire, succeeding only in drawing the attention of the devious sheriff…and also that of alluring lifeguard Tiffany San Sebastian. Brody pledges to stay in Martha’s Vineyard until he gets to the bottom of this case, even in the face of a deadly shark…or a Hawk.

“The Wine-Dark Sea”

During a sandcastle-building contest at the wine festival, a surfboard washes ashore…with no surfer. The massive bite in the side of the board panics the crowd amid growing rumors of the shark plaguing the beach. The sinister Deputy Lefty attempts to calm the citizens, but Tiffany brashly confronts him with evidence she has seen that the threat is real, and a stampede away from the shore wreaks havoc on the pie-eating contest. Cartwright takes Brody and Mac out on his boat at night to hunt for the shark, but are waylaid by a boat piloted by Colombian cocaine smugglers. Mac attempts to bond with his estranged son.

“Blood Red”

The wine festival’s perennial hit Singles Luau is abruptly canceled without explanation. The real reason: Sheriff Hawk’s loyal goons have found the remains of the shark’s first human victim further down the beach. Beautiful but eccentric medical examiner Becky Summer is unable to identify the body despite its distinctive tattoos, which she finds suspicious even before she is pressured into not recording the incident as a shark attack. She calls on Brody to do some legwork, and he remembers having seen the victim’s tattoos on one of the Colombians. An associate of the drug runners is in custody, but is taken by FBI Special Agent Rocco Prince before Brody can talk to him. Cartwright tries to juggle a date with Dr. Summer and his budding ventriloquist career, with unexpected results.

“White Heat”

Cartwright is contacted by Agent Rocco when the captured drug dealer starts talking about a “devil shark.” Brody shares with the agent his suspicions about Sheriff Hawk, whom Rocco identifies from a photo as the Chicago gangster kingpin Ricky Delgado, long thought dead, hiding in plain sight. Unable to locate Hawk, who has been tipped off to his discovery by the eavesdropping Lefty, Rocco and Brody confront the Colombians on the sea. In a freak accident, a dozen kilos of cocaine are spilled into the water when the marauding shark nearly capsizes both boats. Driven into a bloodthirsty frenzy by enough cocaine to kill twenty humans, the shark savagely devours most of the drug dealers…but not Sheriff Hawk, who was hiding on their boat, and narrowly escapes by helicopter, swearing revenge on Brody and the others. Mac and Tiffany mentor a blind teenager who finds an astonishing talent for surfing.

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Humours

WCYL-TV Online Streaming – 9/15 New Additions

Friends
The One With Child Baseball
With Rachel and Monica still trapped in child form from the old woman’s curse, Phoebe decides to enroll them in a little league team to try to keep their spirits up.  Unfortunately, Joey and Ross get a little too aggressive in their sideline cheering, igniting a brawl with the other parents.  Meanwhile, Chandler goes into labor.

Babylon 5: Resurrection
Never Cross A Flortigian
Captain Reece begins having nightmares that seem all too real after refusing to pay gambling debts on Flortig VII.  Robotic Tristan and Lt. Pryce get lost in the seedy part of the kuiper belt and learn a valuable lesson about pride and racial stereotypes.  Normal Tristan’s cat escapes her quarters and runs roughshod over the visiting diplomatic envoy from Rodentia.  Meanwhile, Sgt. Haarm goes into labor.

Project Runway Nights
The Garment District Gorefiend’s Revenge
While Tim investigates a series of involuntary werewolf sterilizations in SoHo, Heidi fears that her old nemesis has returned when a series of brutal supernatural slayings grips the Garment District.  Meanwhile, NegaHeidi goes into labor.

The Simpsons
Spare Thee Not My Wrath, Young Ones
Homer begins hanging out with Old Testament God (guest star Nick Offermann) in an effort to make Marge as jealous as he is of her frequent lunch outings with New Testament God (guest star Kristen Schaal).  Lisa panics when she realizes her nightmarish visions (guest star Andrew W.K.) are coming true.  Meanwhile, Bart goes into labor.

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Episode Guide: The Strauss File Season 3

Catch up on the previous seasons here and here.

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Former police detective Strauss (Chive Allston) confronts his own nonexistence in a burning cocaine warehouse. Guest starring Oregano Simpleton as Time Ghost.

When the Supreme Court is kidnapped, Strauss interrogates universal gravitation, but are bosons admissable in court? Guest starring Romeo Martinez as Chief Pinkerton.

All things age and die, but this is an anthropomorphism, for our understanding of time’s arrow is rooted in the myopia of consciousness. Guest starring Jennifer Lawrence as time’s arrow.

A cloud has no concept of cloud-ness. This fact does not determine whether or not it rains. An unlucky hoodlum breaks into a police nuclear reactor and gets what’s coming to him… or does he? Guest starring Matt Chapman as The Cheat.

Crime does not exist. Former police detective Strauss (Chive Allston) becomes enlightened. A triceratops is stabbed in self-defense. Guest starring Gomez Gomez as Duran Duran.

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Chief Pinkerton perceives blue as police detective Strauss perceives green and vice versa, but they must work together to catch a color-blind drug lord who has bred a new type of edible hallucinogenic mouse. Guest starring Romeo Martinez as Chief Pinkerton and Sean Connery as Jesus. (part 1 of 3)

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Strauss decides to exist, but will his identity be overturned on appeal? Guest starring Jennica Struthers as Time Ghost. (part 2 of 3)

The universe undergoes heat-death, but as trillions of years pass, police detective Strauss (Chive Allston) is determined to see justice prevail one last time. (part 3 of 3)

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A new street appears, but it is paved with drugs. Guest starring Jerry Seinfeld as Steve Martin.

A small-time chicken hustler gets more than he bargained for when Strauss links him to the exploitation of Chinese labor. Guest starring Lucy Lawless as the population of China.

Police detective Strauss’ (Chive Allston) chickens come home to roost. Guest starring ALF, Romeo Martinez, Oregano Simpleton, and Jennica Struthers. (part 1 of 3)

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Strauss traps a burning building inside a burning building in a desperate attempt to get to the bottom of a Faustian economic bargain. Guest starring ALF, Oregano Simpleton, Jennica Struthers, Angela Lansbury, Orange Socksmith, and Ken Penders as the voice of Sonic. (part 2 of 3) (series finale)

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Episode Guide: The Strauss File Season 2

Catch up on the previous season here.

Winter On Wheels
With his former comrade in arms transferred to the Miami State campus police, police detective Strauss (Chive Allston) adjusts to his new partner, but can a wheelchair-bound epileptic supermodel get the job done? Introducing Jennica Struthers as Stacy Winter, and guest starring Rowan Atkinson as Stacy Winter.

Riding With Death
The FBI suspect supermodel police detective Stacy Winter’s (Jennica Struthers) wheelchair of being an illegaly imported explosive device, and her new partner Strauss (Chive Allston) must choose between the rulebook and the mouth of madness. Guest starring Justin Bieber as the voice of Bessie.

Time Enough Pt 1
Supermodel police detective Stacy Winter (Jennica Struthers) gets an untraceable call from her past, while detective Strauss (Chive Allston) races against time to trace a call from the future. Guest starring ALF as Spencer. (part 1 of 2)

Time Enough Pt 2
Police detectives Strauss and Winter are stranded on the moon. Guest starring Robin Williams as the moon. (part 2 of 2)

May It Sleaze The Court
The precinct has adopted a triceratops, but Strauss is convinced all is not as it seems, while Winter mud wrestles before the Supreme Court. Guest starring Oregano Simpleton as the voice of Horny.

The Girl Who Was Death
The FBI claim jurisdiction over a police triceratops, but Strauss and Winter are certain that a kidnapped girl is the key to tracing a series of prostitution drug thefts. Guest starring Oregano Simpleton as the voice of Horny and Orange Socksmith as Sergeant Artichoke.

Hometown Pride
After Horny (voiced by Oregano Simpleton) kills an FBI agent, Strauss is torn between loyalty to the local football team and a chance to clean up the city once and for all. Meanwhile, Stacy tries on Halloween costumes in a mysterious parking lot. Guest starring Orange Socksmith as Sergeant Applebee.

Share The Road
Strauss and Winter run out of time investigating a routine bicycle arson and find themselves in a dimensional void in which past and future are meaningless. Guest starring Majel Barrett as the voice of Scott Bakula.

Moving On Up
Supermodel police detective Stacy Winter ascends to a higher plane of existence, but a petty cocaine counterfeiter’s lawyer finds a loophole. Guest starring Slive Tode as Cancel Garrett.

How The West Was Won
Stacy Winter discovers the origin of the universe and a cockfighting ring. Guest starring Chive Allston as Strauss. (part 1 of 4)

In Circles
Stacy Winter invents the wheel, unwittingly setting into motion a secret trap hidden in the United States Constitution. Guest starring Chive Allston as Strauss. (part 2 of 4)

Horned Beauty
Stacy Winter (Jennica Struthers) is forced to erase her former partner from the timeline in order to catch a triceratops rustler. Guest starring Oregano Simpleton as the voice of Horny and Chive Allston as the voice of Brighteyes. (part 3 of 4)

Fall Out
The Court of Triceratops makes its final ruling in Stacy Winter’s case, and marijuana arson will never be the same. Guest starring Chive Allston as the voice of Brighteyes, Oregano Simpleton as the voice of Horny, and Sean Connery as Jesus. (part 4 of 4)

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Episode Guide: Killings File

Killings File was a 2006 reboot of the classic The Strauss File series, starring Paul Credenza as Detective Stanley Ross.  (The name Strauss was considered “too foreign” by network executives.)  Eight episodes were produced, though only four aired.

While Rome Burns
Detective Stanley Ross arrives at his new post in the homicide/terrorism department of the Free City PD.  His skills are immediately tested when a sleeper cell of narcoleptic arsonists intermittently awakens, but who are they working for, and what is their connection with the ostensibly respectable Chemtrailium Corporation?

Blink And You’ll Miss It
Ross thinks there’s more to an accidental optometrist decapitation than meets the eye, but someone on the city council has an interest in a fast resolution with no one looking too closely.  The key eyewitness who could unveil everything is an adorable street urchin named Mandy (Sarah-Marie Streppe).

Out Of Time
Mandy has been kidnapped, and now Ross is in a race against time to win a series of street races against a man known only as the  Street King.  Who is the Street King, and what connection does he have to the vice president of the Chemtrailium Corporation?

Sea Urchin
A pleasant fishing trip with Mandy turns into a deadly game of cat and mouse when a pack of ocelots begins tracking them across the archipelago.  But what is Project Mouse, and what is its connection to the biowarfare division of the Chemtrailium Corporation?

The remaining four episodes are finally being released once a week on Netflix starting in September.

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