Browse Tag by humours
Humours

2017 Spring Movie Preview

March
Jennifer Lawrence brings her quirky and irreverent charms to the Armenian genocide in Lars Von Trier’s The Girl Who Was Death, Part 1 of 3.  James McAvoy and Charlie Day are exterminators who fall in love with the same unhygienic heiress in the hilarity-packed Roach Maiden.  Terry Crews and Lance Reddick are profoundly uncomfortable as The Only Nonwhite People Who Were Invited To This Party.

April
Saoirse Ronan, who is 22, plays the love interest who revitalizes a gross middle-aged writer in The Awakening of My Wrinkled Loins.  Cameron Diaz and Jessica Alba take a european hiking trip together to get over their awful exes and find out more about themselves and each other than they bargained for in Lurid Latina Lesbians in Latvia.  Charlie Hunnam and Rinko Kikuchi join a knitting group and gossip with old ladies in the wholly violence-free Pacific Rim Gaiden: A Scarf For Mako.

May
Ioan Gruffudd and George Clooney are gay accountants in The Love Ledger.  Riz Ahmed and Aziz Ansari are the only ones who can stop a daring bitcoin heist in near-future Bangkok in the cyberpunk thriller Blockchain.  Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey reteam in the screwball comedy The Drag Queen In Yellow: A Sexy Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge.

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Humours

SLN Holiday Gift Guide 2016 Part 2

Kompjuter! Magazine, July 1995
Yahoo! Auctions, starting bid $0.35
This back issue of the seminal Maltese computer gaming mag is in near-mint condition with light shelf wear and includes the original cover disc.  Inside is the infamously controversial top 25 list that nearly led to a military confrontation between Malta and Italy, four screenshots of a Doom clone that was never released, and an interview with the civil servant whose job it was at the time to censor exposed knees and elbows on game box art with stickers.  The cover disc contains eighteen demos and shareware releases, among them a Latvian turn-based strategy game with battles resolved by a minigame heavily resembling “Go Fish,” a Wolfenstein 3-D clone set during the Spanish civil war, and an executable that seems to just print “SEX” and “DEATH” over and over to the DOS prompt.

A half-dozen porcelain cats in various poses
Etsy, $299
They’re adorable, hand-painted, and can also be found on AliExpress for 30 bucks or so.  The seller’s entire shop inventory can in fact be found on AliExpress for under 50 dollars apiece, and everything is tagged “steampunk” regardless of relevance.

Burt the Bear Teaches Programming
Barnes & Noble, $11.99
Let your kids learn to program in Python with this helpful cartoon guide narrated by TV’s Burt the Bear.  Included tutorial projects begin with a simple “hello world” and then branch out in many different directions, from a tax calculator to a program that just prints “SEX” and “DEATH” over and over to the command prompt.

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Humours

Yayzers! This is Brent Weisskraft with Your Hottest Upcoming Memes for 2017!

Hey guys! It’s Brent. 2016 was a huge year for memes, from Harambe to “Dicks out for Harambe” to “dick: out,” and I’m sure some other things that aren’t related to that.

Obviously, we don’t know what’s going to happen in 2017, but our certified memestrolegers here at XPFZXXTLBVCD have hit us up with their HAWHT predictions for next year’s frokonklest memes:

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Humours

Patch Notes for SLN v. 0.4.001

Schedule

  • Posts intended to go up at 12:00 AM on Friday now conform to a more relaxed schedule that better matches the procrastinating personalities of our creators and the clumsy forgetfulness of their twitching, diseased brains, as well as the gradually lowering average expectations of whatever users we have left.
  • Somebody keeps suggesting a second day with biweekly updates, as if that’s gonna fucking happen.

Design and Layout

  • New minimalist aesthetic better reflects how much of a shit we give, and tests well among hipster shut-ins and our core readership demographic (which is ourselves).
  • Next iteration projected to be only 93% white, rather than 99.7% white.

Non-Satiri-psuedo-listicle Content

  • Discontinued.

Known Issues

  • If we knew what that fucking smell was, we would have thrown it out, wouldn’t we?
  • Do not turn off Adblock unless you are behind at least two layers of proxies. Apparently our Chechen associates have some very lax ideas about what you can sell over the internet.
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Humours

Partial Log of Ben Keller’s Summer “Cold Eastern Front” Campaign, Session Nine

Recap of Session 8:

Harry authorized Pete to advance his 3rd Infantry two hexes toward the ravine, but a failed exhaustion check reduced this to one hex. The light damage to the Soviet caravan resulted in their 2nd Cavalry’s bread rations becoming 23% colder, risking eventual spoilage. Greg had to leave because his wife went into labor, so Terrance is now in charge of both the Soviet supply lines and the Soviet auxiliary supply lines.

Session 9, 10/14/83

5:20 PM

At the onset of turn 217, the sun continues to rise, raising the temperature on the battlefield. The German armies, having failed to spend half an action point last turn to secure the integrity of their boots, have to roll a check against the melting index of the heavy snow to see if their footwear becomes waterlogged.

5:24 PM

The German boots remain only tolerably damp. The morning’s random event roll yields Estonian barley weevils being found in the Soviet ammunition stores, causing their resupply phase to last 2.3 game-minutes longer than anticipated. The German 6th Infantry, being closest to the incident, take a percentile roll against a 4% chance to be granted an ambush substep, but fail. The second preparatory interphase begins.

5:31 PM

The second preparatory interphase concludes uneventfully. Ben receives a phone call from his sister.

6:08 PM

The game resumes. Ben informs us that we have until 6:40 PM before we have to adjourn for next week.

6:19 PM

By now, the combat metaphase has almost been pre-instanced. We have twenty-one minutes for combat readiness and preliminary execution.

6:27 PM

Unit facings have been determined for all units with the standard 80-degree view spread. This took a bit longer than expected when John’s mug hitting the table knocked over the German 5th Cavalry figure, causing a short fracas over how it was positioned.

6:31 PM

The Wind Speed and Direction Table appears to have been misplaced, making it difficult to calculate firing conditions. John wants to generate results manually using the equations in Index 1.91, but Pete insists we should just call it a night.

6:42 PM

Shortly after the game has been boxed up, our pizzas arrive. Ben has already left.

Business for Next Session

Harry had to pay for the pizza. Ben, you owe me $31.28. Have the guys at Hirsute Halfling Hobbies mimeograph you a new Wind Speed and Direction Table, we couldn’t find it.

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