Browse Tag by mailbag
Uncategorized

SLN Mailbag 5/14/2017

You stare into the blackness.  The only sound is the howling of a wind whose origins you dare not contemplate.  This wind slowly changes its direction and the howling its tune, and letters handwritten on crumpled, soft paper swirl up from somewhere below.  One by one they blow into your trembling hands, presenting themselves for reading.

Dear Void,

Ever since my sister returned from college, we haven’t been as close as we were before.  Up through high school we were only a year apart and were practically inseparable, and for her first semester in college we tried to keep in touch via instant messaging but that sort of petered out as she got busier and built a new group of friends.  Now that she’s living at home again for a while I hoped we would pick up where we left off, but she keeps locking herself alone in her room for long periods and when she comes out to eat or whatever she barely speaks, answering questions with single words or not at all.  I’m worried about her.

Yours forever,
Distant in Des Moines

You look to the void for answers.  The shrieks of a thousand damned swell briefly before fading into nothingness; silence so pure your ears ring. Continue Reading

Share
Humours

SLN Mailbag 8/24/15

Confused
Dear SLN,

I tried watching the vlog you guys posted titled “4 Essential Hacks for Perfect Fried Chicken Every Time” and I did not find your tips very helpful. The chicken I bought at the store didn’t even have fins, so your instructions on how to disassemble it were virtually useless. Also, no stores near me sell limestone oil. Can you link a reputable internet vendor?

Sincerely,
Hungry in Grand Rapids

Not Funny
Dear smut peddlers,

Your attempts at humor in the article about Thomas Aquinas fell more than flat. How do you sleep at night? I and my sister’s terrier were incensed by the vulgar, juvenile trivialities you consider jokes. You should be flogged in the streets, first literally, then figuratively, then perhaps literally again, weather permitting. I’m sorry if I’m a prude by today’s twisted standards, but I just don’t find humor in acts that, I should remind you, legally constitute sodomy in many jurisdictions, and they certainly aren’t fitting topics for a humor site on the Internet.

With God’s love,
A Concerned Reader

Humor in Uniform
Fair beacon of grace and light,

Please deliver me from these many afflictions. I have sinned, but not too greatly to be delivered from the scourges of uncaring fate. My dreams have dissolved entire into visions of a cruel, ceaseless madness, and they come now likewise in my waking hours. I fear closing my own eyes for the chance that I might see again as I have seen in my darkest imaginings, but more than that, I fear that my new perceptions are truer and clearer than what I thought was real before. If you cannot deliver me a truth that is merciful, then I plead that you might send me a comforting lie.

Humbly,
J. Aglestone, Castle Rock

[image credit]

Share