Browse Tag by Robbi Ramirez
Humours

SLN Employee Handbook: Break Room and Restroom Guidelines

A staff break room with ample accommodations has been provided for your enjoyment and convenience. Your meal times are a right, but our facilitation of them for you is a privilege. We have suspended microwave privileges on many occasions, but never without good cause. Refrigerator rights have been rescinded only twice, for similarly grave reasons.

The refrigerator is for food, and for medicines that must be refrigerated. That is all. Anything else will be discarded, and if we know whose it is, they will be notified they have committed an infraction. Two infractions that are verifiably attributable to the same employee will result in loss of fridge privileges (or “fridgileges”). We reserve the right to terminate privileges after one offense if it is particularly grave.

Do not attempt to store the following in a break room fridge: Alcoholic beverages. Stationary. A smaller refrigerator. Food that is also not food. Cold-weather animals. Evidence of a crime. Secret reserves of NERF(TM) weapons or ammunition. Currency (representative). Interns.

Additionally, the following shall not be stored in break room fridges by penalty of a harsher nature: Illegal substances. A refrigerator of equal or greater size. Food that doesn’t exist. Warm-weather animals. Currency (precious mineral). Permanent employees. Putting an object in a refrigerator will not extinguish it if it is on fire no matter how cold you set the fridge.

Common appliances like microwaves are also available. A standard SLN office break room comes equipped with a microwave, a coffee maker, a sink, cabinets for storing accessories like mugs if you choose, and cabinets with a standard selection of certain non-perishables like tea bags. Most break rooms are equipped with electric kettles, so do not use a coffee maker to heat unadulterated water for the purposes of making tea. WE WILL KNOW.

If you need instructions on proper microwave use, please do not use the microwave. An incident that compromises the microwave will result in a total loss of microwave access. If an object catches fire in the microwave, do not attempt to extinguish it by putting it in the fridge.

Thanks to a radical misreading of how hypothetical new legislation might have affected the restroom needs of corporations, a wildly sufficient number of restroom facilities are available in all our offices. All restrooms in SLN offices are unisex, whether or not maintenance have changed the signage adorning the doors at your location. We really thought this whole thing would shake out differently. Vandalism of restroom facilities or inappropriate conduct between employees in a restroom, regardless of consent or contamination with experimental pheromones, will not be tolerated. Persons violating restroom protocols will be subject to censure or termination, as the company is legally prohibited from withholding restroom access. If a superior threatens you with loss of restroom access, please report them to a human resources representative. This includes the levy of tolls or fees, or the destruction or decommission of fixtures themselves, or the threat thereof.

Toilet tissue stored in an office restroom is available to all staff. If you want to keep your own reserve of outside toilet tissue, it must be stored at your workspace. Outside toiletries stored in a restroom will be considered part of a “pool” whether one has been arranged or not. This policy is no longer subject to debate. We have wasted far too many hours on this already, and for the record, the company-supplied stock of toilet tissue is perfectly adequate in comfort and cleanliness. Notes in the suggestion box regarding the quality of office-supplied toiletries will be discarded unread. The matter has been settled.

All designated smoking areas are located outside. An open window is not sufficient. Any area where smoking is permitted is clearly marked.

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Humours

Possible Episodes for the First Season of the Proposed Universal Broadcast Network’s Jaws: The Series (Part 1)

In 1981, Universal Studios entered the planning phases on what was then called the Universal Broadcast Network. Like every other attempt at a “fourth network” before FOX emerged as a serious competitor and ubiquitous cable changed television, it was a very ambitious near-miss. One of its flagship shows would have been the intense hourlong drama Jaws: The Series, based on the blockbuster film. The following were the episodes pitched to the studio for the initial season, all conceived over a lively three-day weekend by future industry giants Donald P. Bellisario and Steven E. de Souza.

“Pilot” aka “The Grapes of Wrath”

Bodies of large sea life seemingly torn apart are found off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard during an annual wine festival by the crew of a small fishing boat. Fearing a panic at an important time, the corrupt Sheriff Dallas Hawk has his deputy Lefty “silence” the fishermen…permanently. Former police chief, now private investigator Martin Brody of nearby Amity Island happens to be in town for the festival, a tradition he shared with his late wife Ellen, and catches wind of something “fishy.” Recruiting his old friend, Rich Cartwright, marine biologist and trained magician [is there a reason we’re still not using Hooper? – Steve] as well as his streetwise partner “Big” Mac Hunter, Brody follows a trail of bloody streets and dirty money all the way to Sheriff Hawk, who had the fishermen taken out to keep the public from learning that their beloved beach is being stalked by a ravenous shark. He fails to find key evidence linking Hawk to the crime definitively before it is destroyed in an amusement park fire, succeeding only in drawing the attention of the devious sheriff…and also that of alluring lifeguard Tiffany San Sebastian. Brody pledges to stay in Martha’s Vineyard until he gets to the bottom of this case, even in the face of a deadly shark…or a Hawk.

“The Wine-Dark Sea”

During a sandcastle-building contest at the wine festival, a surfboard washes ashore…with no surfer. The massive bite in the side of the board panics the crowd amid growing rumors of the shark plaguing the beach. The sinister Deputy Lefty attempts to calm the citizens, but Tiffany brashly confronts him with evidence she has seen that the threat is real, and a stampede away from the shore wreaks havoc on the pie-eating contest. Cartwright takes Brody and Mac out on his boat at night to hunt for the shark, but are waylaid by a boat piloted by Colombian cocaine smugglers. Mac attempts to bond with his estranged son.

“Blood Red”

The wine festival’s perennial hit Singles Luau is abruptly canceled without explanation. The real reason: Sheriff Hawk’s loyal goons have found the remains of the shark’s first human victim further down the beach. Beautiful but eccentric medical examiner Becky Summer is unable to identify the body despite its distinctive tattoos, which she finds suspicious even before she is pressured into not recording the incident as a shark attack. She calls on Brody to do some legwork, and he remembers having seen the victim’s tattoos on one of the Colombians. An associate of the drug runners is in custody, but is taken by FBI Special Agent Rocco Prince before Brody can talk to him. Cartwright tries to juggle a date with Dr. Summer and his budding ventriloquist career, with unexpected results.

“White Heat”

Cartwright is contacted by Agent Rocco when the captured drug dealer starts talking about a “devil shark.” Brody shares with the agent his suspicions about Sheriff Hawk, whom Rocco identifies from a photo as the Chicago gangster kingpin Ricky Delgado, long thought dead, hiding in plain sight. Unable to locate Hawk, who has been tipped off to his discovery by the eavesdropping Lefty, Rocco and Brody confront the Colombians on the sea. In a freak accident, a dozen kilos of cocaine are spilled into the water when the marauding shark nearly capsizes both boats. Driven into a bloodthirsty frenzy by enough cocaine to kill twenty humans, the shark savagely devours most of the drug dealers…but not Sheriff Hawk, who was hiding on their boat, and narrowly escapes by helicopter, swearing revenge on Brody and the others. Mac and Tiffany mentor a blind teenager who finds an astonishing talent for surfing.

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Bullshit, Real Life

This Isn’t a Satire Piece, I Actually Ate at Wahlburgers and This is Actually How it Feels

There’s a line in one of my favorite novels, Snow Crash, where the threat of the title is explained to the main character, and he can’t quite get his head around it.

“This Snow Crash thing—is it a virus, a drug, or a religion?”
Juanita shrugs. “What’s the difference?”

Shut the fuck up, it was less heavy-handed in 1992. Anyway, this pretty well sums up my feelings about a brand where, if I say its name, you don’t know if I’m talking about a television show or a restaurant. There’s a weird Marshall McLuhan/Videodrome quality to that idea that gives me a sour, orange feeling behind my eyes. You can’t eat reality television! I said.

I was wrong. There is no better way to describe this place than “trying to eat television.”

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Humours

Sponsored Post: Value Comics presents The Hitler Ultimatum, Uncut & Uncensored and in TPB for the first time!

Guten tag, nerd nation! Rejoice, because Value Comics’ controversial crossover event The Hitler Ultimatum is finally coming out in trades!  We here at the SLN Comics Silo have the exclusive skinny on the new uncensored and expanded releases of the event that The Mary Sue refused to cover, and Diamond continues to refuse to solicit! Let’s take a look at what’s in each volume…

March to The Hitler Ultimatum
Gathering together the exciting leadup to the event, Volume 0 opens with Wonder Warriors Confidential #45-49, in which the golden age Old Glory deals with the isolation and mounting guilt of having 1940s-era racial sensibilities in today’s America after the CyberCataclysm merged the Classic universe, the recently restored New World universe, and the mainstream VCU, creating the ungodly tide of continuity problems we’ve been sorting with the past few years but ultimately making things way simpler.  Rejected by his former teammates in favor of the younger, hipper Faded Glory, the New World version of Sgt. Sam Johnson, he simmers with resentment and begins an unfortunately web-based hunt for the American Dream that leads him to some of the larger white nationalist forums.

This leads into Wonder Warriors seXtreme GunForce Annual #19, in which Young Lust and Gunbattler are separated from their teammates Bloodnado and Assaultforce and stranded in the Wonder Warriors’ War Marina by the rising floodwaters from Hurricane Katrina II. They initially write off Old Glory as a twisted old bigot, but his cutting “alternative” analysis of The Force Awakens and other “politically correct” cinema opens their eyes to a new world of insidious fascism. Finally, in Glory #99, Old Glory brutally murders Glory, his popular, normal, not-a-fascist modern equivalent in a series of brutally gritty, unflinchingly visceral two-page spreads, a sequence that famously took up nearly two thirds of the original issue’s page count before some of the images were removed by editorial and replaced with ads for Paxil.  In the trade-exclusive expanded version, the full set of thirty-seven gory two-page spreads has room to breathe, something that beloved comic book hero Glory no longer does, because he has been murdered by a fascist.

Special Features: Cover gallery, design sketches, the full text of the unhinged forum rant visible on Old Glory’s computer screen in Wonder Warriors seXtreme GunForce Annual #19. Continue Reading

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Humours

The Complete History of Miss Mystery, Part Four: Enygma (1984-1988)

The mid-Eighties were a tumultuous time for the already-struggling Value Comics. Their parent company had just sold off numerous assets to stay afloat, their printers were having great difficulty acquiring green ink, and their two biggest competitors were beginning to advance in storytelling and art in ways Value simply didn’t intend to keep up with.

As tends to happen, it was decided that a line-wide shake-up was the best way to revitalize interest in a stable of characters who had been around in some form or another since the mid-50s. Cataclysm in Space had far-reaching effects on the VCU, even if it did ultimately fail to improve Value’s standing in the industry. In addition to some long-needed changes to the status quo of the line’s major characters, the event did much to streamline their oft-convoluted, frequently contradictory histories.

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