Browse Tag by robram89
Humours

SLN Employee Handbook: Break Room and Restroom Guidelines

A staff break room with ample accommodations has been provided for your enjoyment and convenience. Your meal times are a right, but our facilitation of them for you is a privilege. We have suspended microwave privileges on many occasions, but never without good cause. Refrigerator rights have been rescinded only twice, for similarly grave reasons.

The refrigerator is for food, and for medicines that must be refrigerated. That is all. Anything else will be discarded, and if we know whose it is, they will be notified they have committed an infraction. Two infractions that are verifiably attributable to the same employee will result in loss of fridge privileges (or “fridgileges”). We reserve the right to terminate privileges after one offense if it is particularly grave.

Do not attempt to store the following in a break room fridge: Alcoholic beverages. Stationary. A smaller refrigerator. Food that is also not food. Cold-weather animals. Evidence of a crime. Secret reserves of NERF(TM) weapons or ammunition. Currency (representative). Interns.

Additionally, the following shall not be stored in break room fridges by penalty of a harsher nature: Illegal substances. A refrigerator of equal or greater size. Food that doesn’t exist. Warm-weather animals. Currency (precious mineral). Permanent employees. Putting an object in a refrigerator will not extinguish it if it is on fire no matter how cold you set the fridge.

Common appliances like microwaves are also available. A standard SLN office break room comes equipped with a microwave, a coffee maker, a sink, cabinets for storing accessories like mugs if you choose, and cabinets with a standard selection of certain non-perishables like tea bags. Most break rooms are equipped with electric kettles, so do not use a coffee maker to heat unadulterated water for the purposes of making tea. WE WILL KNOW.

If you need instructions on proper microwave use, please do not use the microwave. An incident that compromises the microwave will result in a total loss of microwave access. If an object catches fire in the microwave, do not attempt to extinguish it by putting it in the fridge.

Thanks to a radical misreading of how hypothetical new legislation might have affected the restroom needs of corporations, a wildly sufficient number of restroom facilities are available in all our offices. All restrooms in SLN offices are unisex, whether or not maintenance have changed the signage adorning the doors at your location. We really thought this whole thing would shake out differently. Vandalism of restroom facilities or inappropriate conduct between employees in a restroom, regardless of consent or contamination with experimental pheromones, will not be tolerated. Persons violating restroom protocols will be subject to censure or termination, as the company is legally prohibited from withholding restroom access. If a superior threatens you with loss of restroom access, please report them to a human resources representative. This includes the levy of tolls or fees, or the destruction or decommission of fixtures themselves, or the threat thereof.

Toilet tissue stored in an office restroom is available to all staff. If you want to keep your own reserve of outside toilet tissue, it must be stored at your workspace. Outside toiletries stored in a restroom will be considered part of a “pool” whether one has been arranged or not. This policy is no longer subject to debate. We have wasted far too many hours on this already, and for the record, the company-supplied stock of toilet tissue is perfectly adequate in comfort and cleanliness. Notes in the suggestion box regarding the quality of office-supplied toiletries will be discarded unread. The matter has been settled.

All designated smoking areas are located outside. An open window is not sufficient. Any area where smoking is permitted is clearly marked.

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Humours

Sponsored Post: Value Comics presents The Hitler Ultimatum, Uncut & Uncensored and in TPB for the first time!

Guten tag, nerd nation! Rejoice, because Value Comics’ controversial crossover event The Hitler Ultimatum is finally coming out in trades!  We here at the SLN Comics Silo have the exclusive skinny on the new uncensored and expanded releases of the event that The Mary Sue refused to cover, and Diamond continues to refuse to solicit! Let’s take a look at what’s in each volume…

March to The Hitler Ultimatum
Gathering together the exciting leadup to the event, Volume 0 opens with Wonder Warriors Confidential #45-49, in which the golden age Old Glory deals with the isolation and mounting guilt of having 1940s-era racial sensibilities in today’s America after the CyberCataclysm merged the Classic universe, the recently restored New World universe, and the mainstream VCU, creating the ungodly tide of continuity problems we’ve been sorting with the past few years but ultimately making things way simpler.  Rejected by his former teammates in favor of the younger, hipper Faded Glory, the New World version of Sgt. Sam Johnson, he simmers with resentment and begins an unfortunately web-based hunt for the American Dream that leads him to some of the larger white nationalist forums.

This leads into Wonder Warriors seXtreme GunForce Annual #19, in which Young Lust and Gunbattler are separated from their teammates Bloodnado and Assaultforce and stranded in the Wonder Warriors’ War Marina by the rising floodwaters from Hurricane Katrina II. They initially write off Old Glory as a twisted old bigot, but his cutting “alternative” analysis of The Force Awakens and other “politically correct” cinema opens their eyes to a new world of insidious fascism. Finally, in Glory #99, Old Glory brutally murders Glory, his popular, normal, not-a-fascist modern equivalent in a series of brutally gritty, unflinchingly visceral two-page spreads, a sequence that famously took up nearly two thirds of the original issue’s page count before some of the images were removed by editorial and replaced with ads for Paxil.  In the trade-exclusive expanded version, the full set of thirty-seven gory two-page spreads has room to breathe, something that beloved comic book hero Glory no longer does, because he has been murdered by a fascist.

Special Features: Cover gallery, design sketches, the full text of the unhinged forum rant visible on Old Glory’s computer screen in Wonder Warriors seXtreme GunForce Annual #19. Continue Reading

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Humours

The Complete History of Miss Mystery, Part Four: Enygma (1984-1988)

The mid-Eighties were a tumultuous time for the already-struggling Value Comics. Their parent company had just sold off numerous assets to stay afloat, their printers were having great difficulty acquiring green ink, and their two biggest competitors were beginning to advance in storytelling and art in ways Value simply didn’t intend to keep up with.

As tends to happen, it was decided that a line-wide shake-up was the best way to revitalize interest in a stable of characters who had been around in some form or another since the mid-50s. Cataclysm in Space had far-reaching effects on the VCU, even if it did ultimately fail to improve Value’s standing in the industry. In addition to some long-needed changes to the status quo of the line’s major characters, the event did much to streamline their oft-convoluted, frequently contradictory histories.

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Humours

Yayzers! This is Brent Weisskraft with Your Hottest Upcoming Memes for 2017!

Hey guys! It’s Brent. 2016 was a huge year for memes, from Harambe to “Dicks out for Harambe” to “dick: out,” and I’m sure some other things that aren’t related to that.

Obviously, we don’t know what’s going to happen in 2017, but our certified memestrolegers here at XPFZXXTLBVCD have hit us up with their HAWHT predictions for next year’s frokonklest memes:

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Humours

Patch Notes for SLN v. 0.4.001

Schedule

  • Posts intended to go up at 12:00 AM on Friday now conform to a more relaxed schedule that better matches the procrastinating personalities of our creators and the clumsy forgetfulness of their twitching, diseased brains, as well as the gradually lowering average expectations of whatever users we have left.
  • Somebody keeps suggesting a second day with biweekly updates, as if that’s gonna fucking happen.

Design and Layout

  • New minimalist aesthetic better reflects how much of a shit we give, and tests well among hipster shut-ins and our core readership demographic (which is ourselves).
  • Next iteration projected to be only 93% white, rather than 99.7% white.

Non-Satiri-psuedo-listicle Content

  • Discontinued.

Known Issues

  • If we knew what that fucking smell was, we would have thrown it out, wouldn’t we?
  • Do not turn off Adblock unless you are behind at least two layers of proxies. Apparently our Chechen associates have some very lax ideas about what you can sell over the internet.
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