We here at the SLN Videogame Depot welcome back correspondent Jax Hamleg, who has returned from extended medical leave as a broken yet very opinionated man. Take it away, Jax.
Look me in the eye and tell me something, motherfucker. How many loot boxes have you purchased? With real money. Real dollars that could’ve put food on your family’s fucking table. You make me fucking sick.
Ironically, it was in being sick that my spiral into gaming and despair began. Sick with a case of legs torn off by hurricane force winds and a penchant for buckling my belt four or five notches tighter than was necessary. Sick with a case of hubris. Without my legs or my work but with a steady paycheck and benefits package, I wasted away into a horrid little gremlin, spending hours playing terrible videogames on my overpriced Razer laptop (replete with rainbow light-up keys) and my durable but off-brand android smartphone.
I have seen things that would make a normal person laugh awkwardly and find an excuse to leave. Things that would send a chill down your spine if I also explained the very esoteric and technical context surrounding them. I will never again be able to look in the mirror and see a man. I only see something so disgusting it shakes my belief in a loving God. I see a gamer.
Before my Kafka-esque transformation I used to travel to interesting places with a talented and brave cameraman, and I too was brave, because I delivered the news live, as it happened. What do I deliver now? Advice. Advice that comes from a place of deep suffering, in the hope that I can save you from the hell I have made for myself. Advice on which videogame loot boxes offer the best value.
In 1999, long after the FMV game boom had withered and died, Sierra quietly released Phantasmagoria 3: The Flensing on a single DVD in some European and Asian markets. Aside from a cameo by a drunk and confused Roberta Williams, no personnel from either of the first two games returned, and no notable actors were involved. A hintbook could be bought in some European markets for 40 zlotys or 39 shmeckles, and copies of it are coveted by collectors due to their rarity. A section from this hintbook is reproduced here for historical value.
Q: How can I get the doorman at the fleshreapers’ highrise entrance to take my fake membership card?
A: Real fleshreaper membership cards are made of reaped flesh. Your fake one is clearly construction paper. You need to resolve this.
Q: I went back to the skinlab and put the card in the fleshanizer, but it said there isn’t enough mass to properly fleshanize it. What now?
A: You don’t need to turn the construction paper into flesh, you need to print a copy of the fake card on real reaped flesh.
Q: How do I load the sheet of reaped flesh into the copy machine back at my office?
A: The sheet needs to be a little flatter to fit. Where can you find something to flatten it?
Q: I used the rolling pin from the restaurant kitchen to flatten the reaped flesh and fit it into the copy machine, but now the copy machine is out of toner. Where do I get more toner?
A: [complex multipage diagram not reproduced]
Don't look so happy, nobody actually uses you for anything
Do you like Pokémon? I like Pokémon. I arguably like Pokémon a little bit too much because I have consistently bought Nintendo’s handhelds for absolutely no other reason than to play Pokémon. I haven’t actually played the most recent generation though – I lacked the money to get a 3DS until just this week so believe me that shit is on the way, only the lack of teleportation in our mail system is stopping me from slacking off on writing this in order to play Gen 6. But for having not played it yet, I’ve heard an awful lot of bitching about silly designs. Which is dumb because you know which generation had a lot of stupid designs? Gen 1.
To Mr. M*****, Re: “Free-to-Play” Revenue Streams:
The Synergistic Revenue Enhancement Task Force you had me assemble brainstormed these over the weekend. Some are tried and true free-to-play formulas, but some are truly innovative in the field of “stickin’ ‘em forwards and back,” as you put it in the memo.