Kompjuter! Magazine, July 1995
Yahoo! Auctions, starting bid $0.35
This back issue of the seminal Maltese computer gaming mag is in near-mint condition with light shelf wear and includes the original cover disc. Inside is the infamously controversial top 25 list that nearly led to a military confrontation between Malta and Italy, four screenshots of a Doom clone that was never released, and an interview with the civil servant whose job it was at the time to censor exposed knees and elbows on game box art with stickers. The cover disc contains eighteen demos and shareware releases, among them a Latvian turn-based strategy game with battles resolved by a minigame heavily resembling “Go Fish,” a Wolfenstein 3-D clone set during the Spanish civil war, and an executable that seems to just print “SEX” and “DEATH” over and over to the DOS prompt.
A half-dozen porcelain cats in various poses
They’re adorable, hand-painted, and can also be found on AliExpress for 30 bucks or so. The seller’s entire shop inventory can in fact be found on AliExpress for under 50 dollars apiece, and everything is tagged “steampunk” regardless of relevance.
Burt the Bear Teaches Programming
Barnes & Noble, $11.99
Let your kids learn to program in Python with this helpful cartoon guide narrated by TV’s Burt the Bear. Included tutorial projects begin with a simple “hello world” and then branch out in many different directions, from a tax calculator to a program that just prints “SEX” and “DEATH” over and over to the command prompt.
Hey guys! It’s Brent. 2016 was a huge year for memes, from Harambe to “Dicks out for Harambe” to “dick: out,” and I’m sure some other things that aren’t related to that.
Obviously, we don’t know what’s going to happen in 2017, but our certified memestrolegers here at XPFZXXTLBVCD have hit us up with their HAWHT predictions for next year’s frokonklest memes:
Chic Grey Orb
Sharper Image, $599
Hovers steady and unmoving four feet above the floor, making a quiet but constant humming noise. Wifi and Bluetooth enabled.
Antique Brass Piss Jug
Crate & Barrel, $49
Stores urine excreted by you or a loved one for longer than is socially acceptable. Can be placed under the bed, out of sight, as if that makes it not weird. Buy 5 or more for a discount.
Mirror of Gl’dahn
Tower of Althras, 300 gold pieces
Displays things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass. Wifi and Bluetooth enabled.
– 23 and a third shallots, chopped coarsely into rectangular prisms (NOT CUBES)
– one 13-18lb shaved, kneaded, and descaled ecthelion, not frozen or brined
– one 2-liter bottle of diet pepsi OR pepsi max
– one 14oz jar of cucumber regrette, of Bob & George’s brand or similar quality
– one 3oz vial of undiluted prime essence
– a well-stocked spice rack
Since my coming-of-age travels in the far east, I have experienced a great many pleasures. None can compare, however, to the feast of roast ecthelion I partook in one fateful evening in Jakarta, during a gala hosted by a local crime lord who was very pleased with my father for reasons neither will discuss with me to this day.
- Posts intended to go up at 12:00 AM on Friday now conform to a more relaxed schedule that better matches the procrastinating personalities of our creators and the clumsy forgetfulness of their twitching, diseased brains, as well as the gradually lowering average expectations of whatever users we have left.
- Somebody keeps suggesting a second day with biweekly updates, as if that’s gonna fucking happen.
Design and Layout
- New minimalist aesthetic better reflects how much of a shit we give, and tests well among hipster shut-ins and our core readership demographic (which is ourselves).
- Next iteration projected to be only 93% white, rather than 99.7% white.
- If we knew what that fucking smell was, we would have thrown it out, wouldn’t we?
- Do not turn off Adblock unless you are behind at least two layers of proxies. Apparently our Chechen associates have some very lax ideas about what you can sell over the internet.