Browse Month by September 2014

Top 10 Reasons We Haven’t Updated Recently

  1. In bondage to the spider god Asmodeus until the next solstice
  2. Everyone we know, goes away, in the end (what have we become, my sweetest friend)
  3. Attempts to reach computer keyboard resulted in changes in personal gravity, eventually gave up and started reading comic books on the ceiling
  4. Were unprepared for onslaught of high-profile advertisers and celebrity fans and intimidated by the sudden fame
  5. Got distracted watching the uncut region B blu-rays of The Strauss File we just imported
  6. Updating? That sounds suspiciously like effort.
  7. Read too many New 52 comics, went on killing spree, now incarcerated
  8. Suffocated and dragged back to the Village by roaring, undulating white sphere
  9. Took Ambien with alcohol and woke up naked in a convenience store in New Zealand wearing a tour t-shirt for a band that does not exist in this dimension
  10. There was never a web site here, it was all a dream

Standards & Practices Edit Summary: John Stalvern’s Mindwarp

For Immediate Filing with WCYL-TV Records Department from Benedict Cloves, Junior Editing Assistant

  1. Blacked out all instances in opening credits sequence of the forbidden incantation. No time difference.
  2. CGI’d one-piece swimsuits onto the bevy of buxom babes in the introductory orgy scene. No time difference.
  3. Trimmed lingering shots of goons choking to death on their own blood during the shootout.  Roughly 90 seconds cut.
  4. Numerous content cuts during the creature sex scenes.  23 minutes cut.  I wish I was dead.
  5. The Optimist’s impalement scene trimmed a bit for gore.  Less than 30 seconds cut.
  6. Trimmed down some of the reaction shots in the public transformation sequence for time, and all cutaways to the masturbating policeman.  Two minutes cut, and a great deal of my innocence lost.
  7. Removed the conversation at the diner about kryptonite bukkake and Supergirl for… I’m gonna put down “time” but really because it was completely extraneous and profoundly disturbing.  17 minutes and my will to live removed.
  8. Removed the after-credits sequence interspecies wedding reception scene, because fuck off, Stalvern.  Fuck off.
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