Browse Month by November 2016

Patch Notes for SLN v. 0.4.001


  • Posts intended to go up at 12:00 AM on Friday now conform to a more relaxed schedule that better matches the procrastinating personalities of our creators and the clumsy forgetfulness of their twitching, diseased brains, as well as the gradually lowering average expectations of whatever users we have left.
  • Somebody keeps suggesting a second day with biweekly updates, as if that’s gonna fucking happen.

Design and Layout

  • New minimalist aesthetic better reflects how much of a shit we give, and tests well among hipster shut-ins and our core readership demographic (which is ourselves).
  • Next iteration projected to be only 93% white, rather than 99.7% white.

Non-Satiri-psuedo-listicle Content

  • Discontinued.

Known Issues

  • If we knew what that fucking smell was, we would have thrown it out, wouldn’t we?
  • Do not turn off Adblock unless you are behind at least two layers of proxies. Apparently our Chechen associates have some very lax ideas about what you can sell over the internet.

Partial Log of Ben Keller’s Summer “Cold Eastern Front” Campaign, Session Nine

Recap of Session 8:

Harry authorized Pete to advance his 3rd Infantry two hexes toward the ravine, but a failed exhaustion check reduced this to one hex. The light damage to the Soviet caravan resulted in their 2nd Cavalry’s bread rations becoming 23% colder, risking eventual spoilage. Greg had to leave because his wife went into labor, so Terrance is now in charge of both the Soviet supply lines and the Soviet auxiliary supply lines.

Session 9, 10/14/83

5:20 PM

At the onset of turn 217, the sun continues to rise, raising the temperature on the battlefield. The German armies, having failed to spend half an action point last turn to secure the integrity of their boots, have to roll a check against the melting index of the heavy snow to see if their footwear becomes waterlogged.

5:24 PM

The German boots remain only tolerably damp. The morning’s random event roll yields Estonian barley weevils being found in the Soviet ammunition stores, causing their resupply phase to last 2.3 game-minutes longer than anticipated. The German 6th Infantry, being closest to the incident, take a percentile roll against a 4% chance to be granted an ambush substep, but fail. The second preparatory interphase begins.

5:31 PM

The second preparatory interphase concludes uneventfully. Ben receives a phone call from his sister.

6:08 PM

The game resumes. Ben informs us that we have until 6:40 PM before we have to adjourn for next week.

6:19 PM

By now, the combat metaphase has almost been pre-instanced. We have twenty-one minutes for combat readiness and preliminary execution.

6:27 PM

Unit facings have been determined for all units with the standard 80-degree view spread. This took a bit longer than expected when John’s mug hitting the table knocked over the German 5th Cavalry figure, causing a short fracas over how it was positioned.

6:31 PM

The Wind Speed and Direction Table appears to have been misplaced, making it difficult to calculate firing conditions. John wants to generate results manually using the equations in Index 1.91, but Pete insists we should just call it a night.

6:42 PM

Shortly after the game has been boxed up, our pizzas arrive. Ben has already left.

Business for Next Session

Harry had to pay for the pizza. Ben, you owe me $31.28. Have the guys at Hirsute Halfling Hobbies mimeograph you a new Wind Speed and Direction Table, we couldn’t find it.

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Pre-Election Anxiety Questionnaire

Please check all that apply.

  • Sobbing hysterically
  • Clutching loved ones/pets for comfort
  • Re-evaluating spiritual or religious beliefs due to implicit nature of a god who would let this happen
  • Searching for meaning in a desolate, cold, uncaring universe
  • Binge-eating high-calorie foods
  • Binge-eating low-calorie foods because even at a time like this it would be unacceptable for your body not to fit society’s rigid standards for attractiveness
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages because dulled senses will make you slightly less aware of the encroaching horror all around you
  • Talking to your therapist
  • Talking to your friend who, frankly, deserves a therapist’s salary at this point
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who is as profoundly terrified as you are
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in Europe and is alternately fascinated and disturbed at the grotesque barbarism your country displays on a regular basis
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in a politically unstable war-torn hellhole and thinks maybe you should settle the fuck down and count your blessings, because buddy those drones aren’t gonna be bombing you indiscriminately
  • Obsessively checking Facebook
  • Obsessively sharing alarmist thinkpieces on Facebook
  • Obsessively fact-checking your social circle’s political posts as if any good could ever come from the resulting arguments
  • Writing list-format articles on your stupid fucking blog in an attempt to channel your own anxiety into maybe a laugh or two from a friend or relative

[image credit]