Author: Tobias Lukefisher
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Humours

IllegalFil.es & GAMEWAREZ.RU present: The Five Most Influential Games of the Decade, None of Which We Paid For

This will be an unordered list because there were four injuries, two of them fatal, during the editorial process of narrowing it to five entries, and we have families and no health insurance, so like just deal with the uncertainty, okay?

The Missouri Sea
This surrealist point-and-click adventure, set in a fishing village along the coast of the fictional(?) underground aquifer of the title, won acclaim for its artsy visuals and even artsier entirely unicode-symbol-based dialogue. Kompjuter! magazine called it (roughly translated) “the high-water mark of videogame storytelling, ha ha do you get it? See, because ‘water,'” and several indistinguishible white male videogame streamers agreed that the primarily theremin-based original score was “chill af, bro.” The Missouri Sea‘s scathing allegorical critique of anarcho-capitalism (which some would even term “anarcho-crapitalism”!) elevates the heartwarming man/fish surrogate fatherhood tale at the core to the level of high art, or dare we even say it, literature.

Death Battle DX Mega
Have you ever wanted to basically have a conference call with your friends while you perform menial resource collection tasks for hours before being abruptly murdered by a 12-year-old homophobe shrieking the vilest slurs imaginable? Well you’re in luck, because this is the first-person shooter of your fucking dreams, you weird motherfucker! Why do you like these things? How have you infected the nation’s children with your bizarre videogame tastes? What is wrong with you?

Anime League 2K19
Combining gacha mechanics with a robust field hockey simulation, the Anime League franchise really hits the spot for millions of sports gamers. This entry, released in 2017, is inarguably the finest, setting the bar high with a refined-to-perfection career mode and the brand new (at the time) “Waifu Lab” character editor, allowing you to create the anime girl of your dreams and then grind field hockey matches for hundreds of hours to make her stats comparable to the five-star players that you can only get through expensive microtransaction-based gambling. Look out on your online auction site of choice for the rare Japan-only Anime League 2K19++ // Do You Remember Love? edition for the PS4, which features exclusive hair styles and color gradients for the character editor.

Sid Meier’s Civilization vs. The Elder Scrolls: Clash of Two Worlds
Everyone thought Bethesda had made a masterpiece that could never be matched when they released the fifth main-series Elder Scrolls title, Clown Kingdom, but they had one more ace up their sleeve. This competitive roleplaying/strategy hybrid finally brought roleplaying to the esports scene, where it always belonged. Aristocratic courtships and dynamic physics-based swordfighting are the focus here, where you never know if you will be smooching each opponent or gutting them like a fish. It’s even said that the success of this title is what inspired Nintendo to finally bring blatant Elder Scrolls copycat franchise Fire Emblem to the west!

Star Citizen
haha just kidding

Image credit: “November 25, 2012” by osseous is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Humours

Crazy Leon’s Pinball Enthusiast Newsletter: Tables For Sale Thanksgiving Week 2019

Heya, pinpals!  It’s your favorite former moderator from the alt.games.pinball.moderated newsgroup, here with another email newsletter for the two dozen or so remnants from those halcyon days before the larger internet pinball community migrated first to the MegaPinFan forums and then splintered off to various closed Facebook groups over drama.  Christmas is coming, and you know what that means!  It means people are selling their beloved vintage tables so they can afford to buy the latest videoed game consoles for their ungrateful teenaged children.  Here are a select few hot picks up for grabs, get ’em while they’re spicy!

La Casa 4&5: Resurrezione
Based on the beloved unauthorized Italian sequel films to Evil Dead.  A classic euro-market table, and this one even includes the rare animatronic “pelvis spider” decoration fully working and intact.

Muppet Babies
Likely the originator of the “incredibly difficult pinball tables based on children’s properties” trend, this infamous table is punishingly hard but supposedly extremely rewarding once you beat the first stage of Miss Piggy’s wizard mode and things really open up.

Alien 3
Based on the Amiga CD32 port of the Super Nintendo game based on the film!  This is a rare “collector’s edition” of the table, and includes the original manual, two promo flyers, a certificate of authenticity, and a making-of video on laserdisc.

Unreal Tournament
Hey, everyone knows it’s basically a lazy palette swap of the Jazz Jackrabbit Christmas Chronicles table, but that was a pretty good table!  Yes, the announcer voice samples that say things like “GODLIKE” and “MONSTER KILL” are here and still work wonderfully.  Trivia fact: They actually brought the voice performer back to record a few new samples for this table, including replacing the original game’s “HOLY SHIT” line with the only slightly more family-friendly “HOLY PISS.”

The Downward Spiral
This one is something special, folks!  It’s the fabled 1994 prototype table based on the Nine Inch Nails album, finished but never released or put into wide production.  One of a kind, and when you look at it you get an inkling why; slapping a pinball into the screaming mouth of a man with a revolver to his temple and a heroin syringe sticking out of his eyeball is not my idea of pinball fun.  Maybe it’s yours, though?  Maybe you’re the kind of person who wants Trent Reznor to yell “YOU GET ME CLOSER TO GOD” when you hit all the popup targets that spell out “VIOLATE” and activate multiball mode.  I ain’t in no place to judge you with how much I paid for my Dolly Parton’s Pinball Ranch table.

Image credit: “Earthshaker Pinball” by Chase N. is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Humours

The Boxer

We here at the SLN Videogame Depot welcome back correspondent Jax Hamleg, who has returned from extended medical leave as a broken yet very opinionated man. Take it away, Jax.

Look me in the eye and tell me something, motherfucker. How many loot boxes have you purchased? With real money. Real dollars that could’ve put food on your family’s fucking table. You make me fucking sick.

Ironically, it was in being sick that my spiral into gaming and despair began. Sick with a case of legs torn off by hurricane force winds and a penchant for buckling my belt four or five notches tighter than was necessary. Sick with a case of hubris. Without my legs or my work but with a steady paycheck and benefits package, I wasted away into a horrid little gremlin, spending hours playing terrible videogames on my overpriced Razer laptop (replete with rainbow light-up keys) and my durable but off-brand android smartphone.

I have seen things that would make a normal person laugh awkwardly and find an excuse to leave. Things that would send a chill down your spine if I also explained the very esoteric and technical context surrounding them. I will never again be able to look in the mirror and see a man. I only see something so disgusting it shakes my belief in a loving God. I see a gamer.

Before my Kafka-esque transformation I used to travel to interesting places with a talented and brave cameraman, and I too was brave, because I delivered the news live, as it happened. What do I deliver now? Advice. Advice that comes from a place of deep suffering, in the hope that I can save you from the hell I have made for myself. Advice on which videogame loot boxes offer the best value.

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Humours

Spring Cleaning: 5 Notable Projects Being Pruned From Github.net.au For Inactivity

OpenCluck
A GPL-licensed clone of the ClustrFuCK development framework and its accompanying compiler, API, IDE, and STD.
Last Commit: Fixed buffer overflow when converting an imported FurthestCK database containing malformed emojis. (Nov 14, 2014)
Cause of Death: One of the two lead developers had his brain removed and frozen by a transhumanist tech startup, and the other had his brain removed and frozen by an escaped convict during a terrifying 18-day killing spree and FBI manhunt.

LibrePiss
A free and open source software suite for both GNU/Linux and regular Linux that assists the user in tracking the frequency, amount, consistency, color, scent, velocity, and “urethrafeel” of their urination.
Last Commit: Added additional shades of chartreuse to the color library based on recent unusual samples. (Jan 4, 2016)
Cause of Death (not literally this time): Lead developer disillusioned with the internet piss community after involvement in the PissCoin cryptocurrency scam.

YouFuCK ER
The “expanded release” fork of ClustrFuCK-based multiprotocol messaging client YouFuCK, YouFuCK ER aims to provide a robust alternative to messaging giants like Pidgin, Slack, AIM, MSN, IRC, XMPP, YMCA, DMCA, and dreaded closed-source wickedness locus Trillian.
Last Commit: Fixed memory leak when sending entire PS2 game ISOs to your shitty script kiddie friends via AIM file transfers, KEVIN. (May 8, 2015)
Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends did a denial of service attack on the lead developer’s anime fanshrine site, causing him to break down and leave the internet forever.

OpenNanny
Hey, remember Net Nanny, that thing that parents would install to block naughty websites? Well, they open-sourced it!
Last Commit: Added a previously innocuous fanshrine to Jan Killblood from the anime Hellghost UltraMAX to the naughty list, since now it just displays the text “KEVIN RULZ” with the letters made out of penises. (May 10, 2015)
Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends got into the lead developer’s email with a brute force password attack and hijacked all of his accounts, including his account on Github.net.au.

EmuMaster Perfect Collection: Do You Remember Love?
The ultimate NES emulator is here, combining the best parts of all the various forks over the years of Japanese PC-98-based NES emulator EmuMaster into a single perfect hybrid that runs on Windows, Mac, GNU/Linux, and regular Linux.
Last Commit: Added additional checks to prevent crashing when trying to launch malformed ROMs. (July 19, 2016)
Cause of Death: Lead developer’s brain removed and frozen by Kevin and his script kiddie friends, who are escalating their acts of violence and must be stopped.

[image credit]

Humours

From the SLN Kitchen: Prime-Roasted Ecthelion with Soda-Braised Ribcage and Regretful Shallots

Ingredients:
– 23 and a third shallots, chopped coarsely into rectangular prisms (NOT CUBES)
– one 13-18lb shaved, kneaded, and descaled ecthelion, not frozen or brined
– one 2-liter bottle of diet pepsi OR pepsi max
– one 14oz jar of cucumber regrette, of Bob & George’s brand or similar quality
– one 3oz vial of undiluted prime essence
– a well-stocked spice rack

 

Since my coming-of-age travels in the far east, I have experienced a great many pleasures.  None can compare, however, to the feast of roast ecthelion I partook in one fateful evening in Jakarta, during a gala hosted by a local crime lord who was very pleased with my father for reasons neither will discuss with me to this day.

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