Browse Tag by patch notes

Patch Notes for SLN v. 0.4.001


  • Posts intended to go up at 12:00 AM on Friday now conform to a more relaxed schedule that better matches the procrastinating personalities of our creators and the clumsy forgetfulness of their twitching, diseased brains, as well as the gradually lowering average expectations of whatever users we have left.
  • Somebody keeps suggesting a second day with biweekly updates, as if that’s gonna fucking happen.

Design and Layout

  • New minimalist aesthetic better reflects how much of a shit we give, and tests well among hipster shut-ins and our core readership demographic (which is ourselves).
  • Next iteration projected to be only 93% white, rather than 99.7% white.

Non-Satiri-psuedo-listicle Content

  • Discontinued.

Known Issues

  • If we knew what that fucking smell was, we would have thrown it out, wouldn’t we?
  • Do not turn off Adblock unless you are behind at least two layers of proxies. Apparently our Chechen associates have some very lax ideas about what you can sell over the internet.

TCS Defenestrator Administrative Briefing, 0400 Hrs

Okay, is everyone seated? Lieutenant Garland, you can’t sit next to Petty Officer Grimsdottir, the restraining order is still in effect. Goddamn creep. Okay I have some technical updates from the hangar to start off with.

  • Duratanium armor plating on the VF-35 Rapier Vanguard starfighter increased to 14mm
  • Life support systems on all fighters adapted to also support crystalline life forms, in order to meet the standards set out in the Beta-Aquilae Accords
  • Onboard music players on all fighters received software update to support Crystalline Lossless Audio Codec (CLAC) files
  • Fighters in use by gelatinous pilots equipped with cockpit drains and flushing-based ejection system

Is there a question?  Lieutenant Vreeland, yes?  Well apparently crystalline entities are huge audiophiles, something to do with the way they detect vibrations, so that’s why Terran Command added CLAC support.  If you want more information than that, just ask one of them directly, I guess?  They’d know their own biology better than I.

Okay, moving on, we need to talk about the restroom situation.

The assembled officers groan.

Yeah I’m not happy about it either.


Patch Notes Studio Professional Amiga ST Export Module

  • LEVEL EDITOR: Tilesets can now be mixed freely!  Your dreams of mixing Doctor’s Office with Pet Crematorium and Apartment Building That Is Really Cramped And Honestly Kind of Shitty But It’s In The City So You Put Up With It can now be realized!
  • LEVEL EDITOR: Added the following tools: Particle Editor, Surface Editor, Relationship Editor, Job Editor, Hobby Editor, Public Transit Editor, Magazine Editor, and Deli Editor
  • BALANCE: You can no longer import your character into a custom level where all food has no calories and gorge on sweets and greasy fast food with no consequences, then import back into the main campaign.
  • GRAPHICS: Transitions between tilesets are smoother and do not suffer from hall of mirrors effects, except the actual Hall Of Mirrors tileset, which, that’s what you want
  • LEVEL EDITOR: Limitations implemented so that one guy on Steam Workshop will stop submitting levels that are just big cubic rooms with a pile of dolls in the center and a diving board.  You know who you are.  Stop that.

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Patch Notes NT 2001 Premium Edition Gold

  • INTERFACE:  Added suicide command for when player is stuck in level geometry, a long line at the DMV, or a loveless marriage
  • SOUND:  The air conditioning unit in room 23A of the tenement building level no longer makes that grinding noise when left on for too long
  • GRAPHICS:  Added motion captured animation of sobbing player model putting weapon in mouth and pulling the trigger to indicate use of suicide command [REMOVED AFTER PLAYTESTER COMPLAINTS]
  • PHYSICS:  The front axle in the hyper assault truck no longer quivers and weakens when you show it a good solid tearjerker of a movie, fixing the now infamous “Old Yeller exploit” often used in maps with rocky terrain
  • BALANCE:  There is now a cooldown on the suicide command to prevent the exploit where a player would use a mountain of their own corpses to scale the wall of the enemy base

[image credit]


Patch Notes: Jellied Jerry

  • BALANCE: Bloggers, firemen, and bank clerks now weep openly less often
  • BALANCE: Listicles no longer count as content; content aggregators no longer count as people
  • BALANCE: Spider god Asmodeus spawn rate increased
  • FIX:  “Film” subcategory no longer redirects to the Ate My Balls Webring
  • FIX: Blog projects by self-loathing nerds now no longer have a 1-year cooldown after the initial spurt of inspiration

[image credit]