Humours

Patch Notes for SLN v. 0.4.001

Schedule

  • Posts intended to go up at 12:00 AM on Friday now conform to a more relaxed schedule that better matches the procrastinating personalities of our creators and the clumsy forgetfulness of their twitching, diseased brains, as well as the gradually lowering average expectations of whatever users we have left.
  • Somebody keeps suggesting a second day with biweekly updates, as if that’s gonna fucking happen.

Design and Layout

  • New minimalist aesthetic better reflects how much of a shit we give, and tests well among hipster shut-ins and our core readership demographic (which is ourselves).
  • Next iteration projected to be only 93% white, rather than 99.7% white.

Non-Satiri-psuedo-listicle Content

  • Discontinued.

Known Issues

  • If we knew what that fucking smell was, we would have thrown it out, wouldn’t we?
  • Do not turn off Adblock unless you are behind at least two layers of proxies. Apparently our Chechen associates have some very lax ideas about what you can sell over the internet.
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Humours

Partial Log of Ben Keller’s Summer “Cold Eastern Front” Campaign, Session Nine

Recap of Session 8:

Harry authorized Pete to advance his 3rd Infantry two hexes toward the ravine, but a failed exhaustion check reduced this to one hex. The light damage to the Soviet caravan resulted in their 2nd Cavalry’s bread rations becoming 23% colder, risking eventual spoilage. Greg had to leave because his wife went into labor, so Terrance is now in charge of both the Soviet supply lines and the Soviet auxiliary supply lines.

Session 9, 10/14/83

5:20 PM

At the onset of turn 217, the sun continues to rise, raising the temperature on the battlefield. The German armies, having failed to spend half an action point last turn to secure the integrity of their boots, have to roll a check against the melting index of the heavy snow to see if their footwear becomes waterlogged.

5:24 PM

The German boots remain only tolerably damp. The morning’s random event roll yields Estonian barley weevils being found in the Soviet ammunition stores, causing their resupply phase to last 2.3 game-minutes longer than anticipated. The German 6th Infantry, being closest to the incident, take a percentile roll against a 4% chance to be granted an ambush substep, but fail. The second preparatory interphase begins.

5:31 PM

The second preparatory interphase concludes uneventfully. Ben receives a phone call from his sister.

6:08 PM

The game resumes. Ben informs us that we have until 6:40 PM before we have to adjourn for next week.

6:19 PM

By now, the combat metaphase has almost been pre-instanced. We have twenty-one minutes for combat readiness and preliminary execution.

6:27 PM

Unit facings have been determined for all units with the standard 80-degree view spread. This took a bit longer than expected when John’s mug hitting the table knocked over the German 5th Cavalry figure, causing a short fracas over how it was positioned.

6:31 PM

The Wind Speed and Direction Table appears to have been misplaced, making it difficult to calculate firing conditions. John wants to generate results manually using the equations in Index 1.91, but Pete insists we should just call it a night.

6:42 PM

Shortly after the game has been boxed up, our pizzas arrive. Ben has already left.

Business for Next Session

Harry had to pay for the pizza. Ben, you owe me $31.28. Have the guys at Hirsute Halfling Hobbies mimeograph you a new Wind Speed and Direction Table, we couldn’t find it.

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Humours

Pre-Election Anxiety Questionnaire

Please check all that apply.

  • Sobbing hysterically
  • Clutching loved ones/pets for comfort
  • Re-evaluating spiritual or religious beliefs due to implicit nature of a god who would let this happen
  • Searching for meaning in a desolate, cold, uncaring universe
  • Binge-eating high-calorie foods
  • Binge-eating low-calorie foods because even at a time like this it would be unacceptable for your body not to fit society’s rigid standards for attractiveness
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages because dulled senses will make you slightly less aware of the encroaching horror all around you
  • Talking to your therapist
  • Talking to your friend who, frankly, deserves a therapist’s salary at this point
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who is as profoundly terrified as you are
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in Europe and is alternately fascinated and disturbed at the grotesque barbarism your country displays on a regular basis
  • Talking to a stranger on the internet who lives in a politically unstable war-torn hellhole and thinks maybe you should settle the fuck down and count your blessings, because buddy those drones aren’t gonna be bombing you indiscriminately
  • Obsessively checking Facebook
  • Obsessively sharing alarmist thinkpieces on Facebook
  • Obsessively fact-checking your social circle’s political posts as if any good could ever come from the resulting arguments
  • Writing list-format articles on your stupid fucking blog in an attempt to channel your own anxiety into maybe a laugh or two from a friend or relative

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Humours

New Uploads for October @ AncientGamez.ru

What is up my dudes!  Cobrastyle69 here with some spooktacular new abandonware uploads to celebrate the eve of all hallows!  Whether you’re emulating in DOSBox or gassing up your vintage Russian retro gaming rig with industrial-grade diesel, these are sure to be a treat.  Shout-outs and greetz to my forum moderator H0t C@rl and the inimitable crack release group Team Fucksuck.  Y’all are the real heroes.  Anyway, let’s get to it!

セックス血液:スチールペニスの庭 / Phantasmagoria Gaiden: In the Garden of Midnight
FM Towns/PC-98 Hybrid CD-ROM
Fans of the Phantasmagoria franchise of FMV adventure games should be SUPER STOKED to finally play the Japan-only interquel that links the original game and A Puzzle Of Flesh and adds new narrative depth to both.  Originally planned as a bonus feature for the Sega Saturn port of Phantasmagoria 1, this title had a miniscule budget and is told in a series of still images with occasional junction points for player choice.  The narration and junction text is unfortunately only in Japanese, but the voice acting is in English, so you can get a pretty good idea of what’s going on.  (A translation patch is being worked on on the forums as we speak.) My playthrough ended with Lucy (the protagonist) getting happily married to a big blue demon with a huge cock, so I’m gonna call that a win.

Toonpals: Bubba Busts Out!
Windows 95 CD-ROM
My broheims from Oceania will obviously remember the classic Saturday morning cartoon Toonpals, which followed the wacky (and often poignant!) adventures of a quintet of adorable heroin-addicted anthropomorphic animals in the big city, and if they were lucky, they might have had this licensed platformer based on it when they were kids.  Now once again you can take on the role of Bubba as he goes all over the world in a withdrawal-crazed rampage, spouting crystal-clear digitized voice samples of real one-liners from the show!  The first time you hear that cute lil rabbit shriek “MY SKIN IS ON FIRE!” when you take one heart of damage, it’ll be as if you’re a kid again.

Splatterhouse VI: The Quickening
Acorn Archimedes Diskette
Arguably the finest of the four Archimedes-exclusive sequels to the arcade classic Splatterhouse, The Quickening finds magic-hockey-mask-wearing antihero Rick Taylor hiding from the authorities in an abandoned Michigan gas station, and alternates stealth-based daytime levels with surreal dreamscape night levels.  Though The Quickening basically treads water between V and VII in terms of the series metaplot, the dreamscape levels are some of the most creative and disturbing in the series, and the new HYPERCHOP!! finishing move system adds a level of finesse to going for high scores and delivers some of the most gruesome gore effects ever to grace the screen of an Acorn Archimedes.  Not to be missed!

Buzz Aldrin Presents Event Horizon
Windows 95 CD-ROM
Inspired by the 1997 film of the same name, this detailed simulation follows the scientific development of the titular vessel in its first phase, then in its second tasks you with managing a dwindling crew that is quickly going insane after the ship warped into a hell dimension.  As the movie depicts, there were no survivors in the end, but it ends up being kinda fun to see when and how your journey ends.  I keep finding new shit every time I play!  In my first playthrough the last two survivors became paranoid after a failed excursion outside for food and strangled each other, and in my latest playthrough it appeared my final survivor had successfully warped back to earth and gone home, only for his wife to reach down his throat and pull out his heart when he went in for a kiss, revealing that it was all a trick of the hell dimension and he never escaped at all!  Great stuff.

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Halloween Old Stock Sale @ Hirsute Halfling Anime & Games

Betrayal at Melrose Place
Avalon Hill, 1997
Construct a dynamic luxury apartment complex as you play, then engage in rich soapy drama in this licensed gem based on the TV classic.  Contains 41 luxury room cards, six character tokens, and two “sensuousness decks.” 40% off!

Star Wars: The Courtship of Princess Leia Cooperative Card Game
Parker Brothers Select, 1996
In this asymmetrical two-player experience based on the classic expanded universe novel by Dave Wolverton, you and a loved one will take on the roles of Han Solo and Leia Organa, trading quips, double entendres, and romance dice in a three-phase structure reflecting the plot progression of the novel.  Contains 45 Han cards, 45 Leia cards, and eight 12-sided “romance dice.”  60% off or best offer!

Hellghost UltraMAX: Gaiden: Do You Remember Love?
ADV Films, 2004
To date the only stateside post-VHS release of this groundbreaking OVA series, this 3-disc DVD set is essential to making sense of the enigmatic final season of Hellghost UltraMAX.  Currently out of print and highly sought-after by fans of the Hellghost sagaverse.  30% off!

Sailor Moon S: The Roleplaying Game
Entenmann Press, 1998
This GMless marvel puts you in the role of an intrepid Sailor Soldier, tasked with protecting the world from the forces of darkness and looking real fuckin’ kawaii while you do it.  The rules were groundbreaking at the time and its influence is clearly felt in other GMless systems such as Fiasco and Cum Patrol.  Full-color hardback, 185 pages.   25% off!

[image credit]

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