Dungeonwide Auditory Illusion Transcript for Monday, 13th of Frostharvest, year 139 of the ninth age

[sound of trumpets, captured from last year's skullthrone ascension in the Shadow Barony]

What's up, denizens, it's your boy Jimmy Redscales here with the morning announcements.

Got word last night from an eagle messenger that Lord Frumpton is leading another batch of squishy disposable hirelings here, supposedly to try and retrieve the bodies and gear from his last raid. Dude doesn't know when to quit, so be prepared to demonstrate for him exactly why he should quit now, probably after midday but before dark. The hirelings are reportedly even more ill-equipped than last time, but Shelley from the mess hall is offering gold and gem rewards to anyone who helps fight these doofuses off, so hey, there's some motivation for you.

The Goro Bandit Clan has reported anti-human graffiti outside their turf on the third floor again, and the council has authorized them to set traps, so whichever brainless loser has been doing that is advised to stop if they want to keep their ankles unsnapped by concealed metal jaws.

Speaking of brainlessness, the Cult of Gnarly Flesh is offering double the market rate this whole week for intact good-condition sentient being brains. They advise you to deliver the entire head if possible, since at least basic training in first aid is necessary to remove the brain from the skull without damaging it.

Today's mess hall special is slow roasted dire boar, so I highly recommend hitting them up as soon as you can when the lunch howl reverberates. There's no danger of them running out, it's just better fresh!

That's all until the witching hour wrapup tonight, so as my mother used to say: "Always do your best, because a lazy kobold is fodder for the dullest blades, but a clever and driven kobold can open up the king's neck artery and escape swiftly enough to watch the course of the world change safely from the shadows." And she did! That wasn't a hypothetical. Love you, mom.

[sound of seagulls and soothing wave crashes, captured from Marauder's Cove last week on vacation]