[Open on a man in late middle age with a gray, second-rate attempt at a Burt Reynolds mustache, holding a glass of wine and wearing a red bathrobe just garishly baroque enough to prove it came from a designer, not a costume store]
Hello, folks, and welcome to Disc One of the Charles Schatt-Faulk Trademark Method for Life Achievement and Rehabilitated Political Image.
Let me introduce myself.
[overly familiar wink, chuckle]
I’m self-made millionaire Charles “The Chuckster” Schatt-Faulk. You might recognize me from previous self-help/industrial training advisories, such as It’s On the Floor Now, What Do I Do: Sanitation in The Fast-Paced World of Fast Food and Natal Delivery Under Emergency Circumstances, or That’s Not a Nickname!: Learning to Respect Minority Co-Workers and Love Your Bi-Racial Grandchild.
[sets glass down, makes ‘serious but casual’ pose]
A lot of you were probably attracted to this course by the sense that it could help you rediscover yourselves at a time in your lives marked by uncertainty. The cause can be anything: Divorce, loss of a loved one, or an international investigation into your financial ties to ethno-nationalist militias.
And you’re right! Good call. [chuckle]
With the Charles Schatt-Faulk Trademark Method for Life Achievement and Rehabilitated Political Image, you can get back on track no matter what, be it debt, injury, or incriminating testimony from jailed paramilitary leaders.
The Schatt-Faulk Trademark Method involves simple tips to set goals, strengthen your skills, and neutralize any and all damaging revelations when the UN declassifies its report on the war.
Now, folks, it might look like a long road to finding yourself from here, and it is, but my trademark method will guide you along step by step. Believe you me, the Schatt-Faulk Trademark Method will help you throughout the entire process, be it winning visitation rights with family, settling a deceased loved one’s will and testament, or barring photographic evidence of your association with the Butcher of Kabadzic from being entered into the record at the International Criminal Court.
So if you’re as excited for this as I am, hit the “skip” button on your remote or media player to move to the next
scene, Chapter One: Identifying Goals, Obstacles, and Witnesses.
[a bad smile that is not helped by the mustache.]