What is up my dudes! Cobrastyle69 here with some spooktacular new abandonware uploads to celebrate the eve of all hallows! Whether you’re emulating in DOSBox or gassing up your vintage Russian retro gaming rig with industrial-grade diesel, these are sure to be a treat. Shout-outs and greetz to my forum moderator H0t C@rl and the inimitable crack release group Team Fucksuck. Y’all are the real heroes. Anyway, let’s get to it!
セックス血液：スチールペニスの庭 / Phantasmagoria Gaiden: In the Garden of Midnight
FM Towns/PC-98 Hybrid CD-ROM
Fans of the Phantasmagoria franchise of FMV adventure games should be SUPER STOKED to finally play the Japan-only interquel that links the original game and A Puzzle Of Flesh and adds new narrative depth to both. Originally planned as a bonus feature for the Sega Saturn port of Phantasmagoria 1, this title had a miniscule budget and is told in a series of still images with occasional junction points for player choice. The narration and junction text is unfortunately only in Japanese, but the voice acting is in English, so you can get a pretty good idea of what’s going on. (A translation patch is being worked on on the forums as we speak.) My playthrough ended with Lucy (the protagonist) getting happily married to a big blue demon with a huge cock, so I’m gonna call that a win.
Toonpals: Bubba Busts Out!
Windows 95 CD-ROM
My broheims from Oceania will obviously remember the classic Saturday morning cartoon Toonpals, which followed the wacky (and often poignant!) adventures of a quintet of adorable heroin-addicted anthropomorphic animals in the big city, and if they were lucky, they might have had this licensed platformer based on it when they were kids. Now once again you can take on the role of Bubba as he goes all over the world in a withdrawal-crazed rampage, spouting crystal-clear digitized voice samples of real one-liners from the show! The first time you hear that cute lil rabbit shriek “MY SKIN IS ON FIRE!” when you take one heart of damage, it’ll be as if you’re a kid again.
Splatterhouse VI: The Quickening
Acorn Archimedes Diskette
Arguably the finest of the four Archimedes-exclusive sequels to the arcade classic Splatterhouse, The Quickening finds magic-hockey-mask-wearing antihero Rick Taylor hiding from the authorities in an abandoned Michigan gas station, and alternates stealth-based daytime levels with surreal dreamscape night levels. Though The Quickening basically treads water between V and VII in terms of the series metaplot, the dreamscape levels are some of the most creative and disturbing in the series, and the new HYPERCHOP!! finishing move system adds a level of finesse to going for high scores and delivers some of the most gruesome gore effects ever to grace the screen of an Acorn Archimedes. Not to be missed!
Buzz Aldrin Presents Event Horizon
Windows 95 CD-ROM
Inspired by the 1997 film of the same name, this detailed simulation follows the scientific development of the titular vessel in its first phase, then in its second tasks you with managing a dwindling crew that is quickly going insane after the ship warped into a hell dimension. As the movie depicts, there were no survivors in the end, but it ends up being kinda fun to see when and how your journey ends. I keep finding new shit every time I play! In my first playthrough the last two survivors became paranoid after a failed excursion outside for food and strangled each other, and in my latest playthrough it appeared my final survivor had successfully warped back to earth and gone home, only for his wife to reach down his throat and pull out his heart when he went in for a kiss, revealing that it was all a trick of the hell dimension and he never escaped at all! Great stuff.