Humours

Crazy Leon’s Pinball Enthusiast Newsletter: Tables For Sale Thanksgiving Week 2019

Heya, pinpals!  It’s your favorite former moderator from the alt.games.pinball.moderated newsgroup, here with another email newsletter for the two dozen or so remnants from those halcyon days before the larger internet pinball community migrated first to the MegaPinFan forums and then splintered off to various closed Facebook groups over drama.  Christmas is coming, and you know what that means!  It means people are selling their beloved vintage tables so they can afford to buy the latest videoed game consoles for their ungrateful teenaged children.  Here are a select few hot picks up for grabs, get ’em while they’re spicy!

La Casa 4&5: Resurrezione
Based on the beloved unauthorized Italian sequel films to Evil Dead.  A classic euro-market table, and this one even includes the rare animatronic “pelvis spider” decoration fully working and intact.

Muppet Babies
Likely the originator of the “incredibly difficult pinball tables based on children’s properties” trend, this infamous table is punishingly hard but supposedly extremely rewarding once you beat the first stage of Miss Piggy’s wizard mode and things really open up.

Alien 3
Based on the Amiga CD32 port of the Super Nintendo game based on the film!  This is a rare “collector’s edition” of the table, and includes the original manual, two promo flyers, a certificate of authenticity, and a making-of video on laserdisc.

Unreal Tournament
Hey, everyone knows it’s basically a lazy palette swap of the Jazz Jackrabbit Christmas Chronicles table, but that was a pretty good table!  Yes, the announcer voice samples that say things like “GODLIKE” and “MONSTER KILL” are here and still work wonderfully.  Trivia fact: They actually brought the voice performer back to record a few new samples for this table, including replacing the original game’s “HOLY SHIT” line with the only slightly more family-friendly “HOLY PISS.”

The Downward Spiral
This one is something special, folks!  It’s the fabled 1994 prototype table based on the Nine Inch Nails album, finished but never released or put into wide production.  One of a kind, and when you look at it you get an inkling why; slapping a pinball into the screaming mouth of a man with a revolver to his temple and a heroin syringe sticking out of his eyeball is not my idea of pinball fun.  Maybe it’s yours, though?  Maybe you’re the kind of person who wants Trent Reznor to yell “YOU GET ME CLOSER TO GOD” when you hit all the popup targets that spell out “VIOLATE” and activate multiball mode.  I ain’t in no place to judge you with how much I paid for my Dolly Parton’s Pinball Ranch table.

Image credit: “Earthshaker Pinball” by Chase N. is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

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Humours

The Boxer

We here at the SLN Videogame Depot welcome back correspondent Jax Hamleg, who has returned from extended medical leave as a broken yet very opinionated man. Take it away, Jax.

Look me in the eye and tell me something, motherfucker. How many loot boxes have you purchased? With real money. Real dollars that could’ve put food on your family’s fucking table. You make me fucking sick.

Ironically, it was in being sick that my spiral into gaming and despair began. Sick with a case of legs torn off by hurricane force winds and a penchant for buckling my belt four or five notches tighter than was necessary. Sick with a case of hubris. Without my legs or my work but with a steady paycheck and benefits package, I wasted away into a horrid little gremlin, spending hours playing terrible videogames on my overpriced Razer laptop (replete with rainbow light-up keys) and my durable but off-brand android smartphone.

I have seen things that would make a normal person laugh awkwardly and find an excuse to leave. Things that would send a chill down your spine if I also explained the very esoteric and technical context surrounding them. I will never again be able to look in the mirror and see a man. I only see something so disgusting it shakes my belief in a loving God. I see a gamer.

Before my Kafka-esque transformation I used to travel to interesting places with a talented and brave cameraman, and I too was brave, because I delivered the news live, as it happened. What do I deliver now? Advice. Advice that comes from a place of deep suffering, in the hope that I can save you from the hell I have made for myself. Advice on which videogame loot boxes offer the best value.

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Humours

Spring Cleaning: 5 Notable Projects Being Pruned From Github.net.au For Inactivity

OpenCluck
A GPL-licensed clone of the ClustrFuCK development framework and its accompanying compiler, API, IDE, and STD.
Last Commit: Fixed buffer overflow when converting an imported FurthestCK database containing malformed emojis. (Nov 14, 2014)
Cause of Death: One of the two lead developers had his brain removed and frozen by a transhumanist tech startup, and the other had his brain removed and frozen by an escaped convict during a terrifying 18-day killing spree and FBI manhunt.

LibrePiss
A free and open source software suite for both GNU/Linux and regular Linux that assists the user in tracking the frequency, amount, consistency, color, scent, velocity, and “urethrafeel” of their urination.
Last Commit: Added additional shades of chartreuse to the color library based on recent unusual samples. (Jan 4, 2016)
Cause of Death (not literally this time): Lead developer disillusioned with the internet piss community after involvement in the PissCoin cryptocurrency scam.

YouFuCK ER
The “expanded release” fork of ClustrFuCK-based multiprotocol messaging client YouFuCK, YouFuCK ER aims to provide a robust alternative to messaging giants like Pidgin, Slack, AIM, MSN, IRC, XMPP, YMCA, DMCA, and dreaded closed-source wickedness locus Trillian.
Last Commit: Fixed memory leak when sending entire PS2 game ISOs to your shitty script kiddie friends via AIM file transfers, KEVIN. (May 8, 2015)
Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends did a denial of service attack on the lead developer’s anime fanshrine site, causing him to break down and leave the internet forever.

OpenNanny
Hey, remember Net Nanny, that thing that parents would install to block naughty websites? Well, they open-sourced it!
Last Commit: Added a previously innocuous fanshrine to Jan Killblood from the anime Hellghost UltraMAX to the naughty list, since now it just displays the text “KEVIN RULZ” with the letters made out of penises. (May 10, 2015)
Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends got into the lead developer’s email with a brute force password attack and hijacked all of his accounts, including his account on Github.net.au.

EmuMaster Perfect Collection: Do You Remember Love?
The ultimate NES emulator is here, combining the best parts of all the various forks over the years of Japanese PC-98-based NES emulator EmuMaster into a single perfect hybrid that runs on Windows, Mac, GNU/Linux, and regular Linux.
Last Commit: Added additional checks to prevent crashing when trying to launch malformed ROMs. (July 19, 2016)
Cause of Death: Lead developer’s brain removed and frozen by Kevin and his script kiddie friends, who are escalating their acts of violence and must be stopped.

[image credit]

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Humours, TV

Pitch Document for the Proposed Universal Network’s Jaws: The Series (Part 2)

In 1981, Universal was preparing their planned Universal Broadcast Network, for which one of the tentpole series would be Donald Bellisario and Steven de Souza’s Jaws: The Series. Twelve episodes were included in the initial pitch document.

“Last Limbo in Bogota”

Deputy Lefty announces to the media that Sheriff Hawk, now known to Hooper and the gang as Ricky Delgado, drug-trafficking gangster, has disappeared and is feared dead. In reality, Lefty is still receiving his orders from Hawk, who is fleeing the pursuit of Agent Rocco, who hasn’t yet found a way to prove Hawk is Ricky, or connect him to the Colombians. Lefty attempts to distract the public by raising the prize of the wine festival’s beachside limbo contest to an outrageous $10,000, drawing an unsafe number of participants to a beach still under threat of a massive, man-eating shark who might be going through intense cocaine withdrawals. Panic ensues at the limbo when a bloody Hawaiian shirt washes ashore, but Brody recognizes it as belonging to a local drug pusher who helped Rocco track down the cartel. Is it possible the shark was driven to hunt humans when the drug runners used them to “dispose of some evidence”? Mac and Tiffany set up Becky on a blind date with guest star [GUEST STAR], unaware of her budding relationship with Cartwright.

“Swap Meat”

The festival’s swap meet is shut down when a porcelain statuary breaks, revealing that it’s filled with packages of cocaine, and the drug smugglers are using the festival to distribute their product. Brody uses this as an excuse to tell the public to avoid the festival without creating a panic over the very real risk posed by the shark. The chairman of the festival, guest star [a George Segal type], wants Brody’s head for such an affront, but his intimidation of Brody is interrupted by the boat they’re on being attacked by a strung-out great white shark. [Why are they on a boat? – Steve] The shark, as it turns out, was attracted to the boat by the smell of drugs – the chairman is in league with the cartel! Mac encounters tension when his ex-wife brings her new boyfriend to the festival.

“Speed Kills”

Lefty has Mac arrested on spurious charges, with his bail set so high the gang need $5,000 just to put up for the bond. Fortunately, the cash prize for the wine festival’s half-marathon is exactly five thousand dollars, and Dr. Cartwright just happens to be a former high school track star! But danger strikes when Lefty enters a ringer into the race, who is faster than Cartwright and willing to cheat…with deadly consequences. The race is on to catch this crooked runner in the act before he can cross the finish line. Becky tries to raise Rich’s spirits before the race with a surprise luau. [How long is this goddamn wine festival? – Steve]

“Shark and Roll”

The festival’s charity concert, a perennial highlight that draws massive crowds, is moved to a floating stage just off the beach at the request of flamboyant rock star Ricky Jump, the concert’s headliner. Obviously, Brody is terrified at the prospect of drawing a huge crowd of people to the beach for a rock show, but Dr. Cartwright hatches a risky plan: since the waters themselves will have to be cleared for the stage, the band’s massive amplifiers could be set to a frequency that will attract the shark, then dumped into the water to electrocute the beast, all before the last act make it onto the stage. Brody is convinced it’s too dangerous, but Tiffany unexpectedly sides with Rich. Will cooler heads prevail? Mac stands trial with the only lawyer who would take his case: his ex-wife!

[image credit]

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